


Young Soldier

by NervousEnergy



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2020-12-24 00:56:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 29,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21090701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousEnergy/pseuds/NervousEnergy
Summary: The boy clutched at his arm, shaking, sweating. The blood leaked between his fingers and into his green shirt. The material darkened and clung to the wound. It needed to be removed quickly so Dina could assess and treat it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N - This isn't really a real world. I picked and chose things I wanted for convenience of the story, there's not much historical accuracy or consistency. That said, enjoy!

He reached for Dina and she pushed him back down onto the bed.

"Please!" He cried. "Please don't let me die! I don't want to die!" His eyes though, reflected the terror of a man who knew he would.

"Hold him down!" The doctor shouted at Dina. She forced her weight down onto the patient’s shoulders. There was so much blood. The doctor was covered; Dina was covered. The doctor tried to stop the blood flow with his hands inside the soldiers' abdomen. He called for another nurse; he needed more hands than he had.

A nurse approached and followed the doctor's instruction. Dina looked at the soldiers' face, he was pale, the life slowly seeping from his eyes. He looked barely nineteen.

"I'm not gonna make it am I, miss?" His voice was calm, eerie compared to his earlier panic.

"Of course you are," Dina soothed him. She placed a hand on his clammy forehead, "You're going to make it home for Christmas, see your family again."

The man smiled distantly, his eyes no longer focused on Dina or anyone else in the room. "I miss my mom's cooking," he murmured. Dina tried to smile despite the tears clouding her vision.

"Well when you get home, I bet she cooks you the biggest dinner you've ever had." His palm reached, clenched and fell limp against the bed, she pulled it between her own palms. It wasn't necessary to hold him down anymore.

"I would like that…"

He was gone.

"No!" Dina yelled; she squeezed his hand. "Come on! Come back!" The doctor had already begun compressions but they all knew it was too late. They gave up quickly, more patients were in need of medical assistance, no time to waste on a lost cause.

His bed was taken away by more nurses and Dina watched as his lifeless palm fell from her own.

"You're done for the night, Smith," The doctor said sternly.

Dina wasn't much aware of what he said. She felt as if she were underwater, everything moved slowly and sounds were distant and far away. She kept watch as the bed with the dead soldier was rolled away.

"You hear me, Smith?" He snapped his fingers in front of her face and she came back to attention, the sound of chaos and death flooding back into her skull.

"What?"

"How long you been awake?"

Dina couldn't remember. She couldn't remember the last time she’d slept, it felt like it had been days, but that couldn't be right could it? They weren't far from the front lines. The artillery shelling was frequent, as were the influx of wounded soldiers, they were understaffed and overworked.

"I don't-" It was as if she had forgotten how to form a sentence. She realised she was walking though, being escorted by a friendly face, she was pretty sure she knew the woman but Dina wasn't certain of much right now.

She ended up in a tent, there was a bed inside and before Dina could make her exhausted brain form another thought she was asleep for the first time in nearly three days.

_The dreams were loud; they shook her skull and left her trying to run through wet cement. She was trapped with no way out and running from something she couldn't see. A man stood before her with kind blue eyes; he reached for her hand. They were in No Mans Land. Bullets striking the ground around them and Dina could only stand horrified hoping none of them hit her. "You said I'd make it home," He said._

__

__

_"I know," Dina answered. "We need to get out of here though, we're going to die."_

__

__

_He laughed and it made Dina shiver._

__

__

_"I'm stuck here now," He answered. "I can't leave."_

__

__

_"Yes you can!" She shouted over the thunderous sound of artillery rounds. She tried to pull his arm but he resisted. Dina couldn't wait any longer, she had to run or she would die. But as she turned to flee, she was deafened and thrown by a landmine.___

__

__

__

__

She awoke sweating and gasping; heart pounding in her chest. She was in her own tent that she shared with another nurse.

X

The doctor assigned her to the medical bay. She was to treat patients with non-life-threatening injuries. She resented being sent here, nurses only got sent to the medical bay when a doctor felt they couldn't cope with emergency. Today already she had treated a broken finger, a dislocated shoulder and three cases of what appeared to be the flu. Dina took all necessary precautions but she hoped she wouldn't catch it. She couldn't afford to be sick, especially when the people around her were beginning to think she was incompetent.

Dina called for her next patient and a boy stumbled his way into her examination room.

He was young, that was obvious. He had no stubble and his fearful eyes betrayed his youth. It wasn't rare that underage soldiers made it into the army but it always saddened Dina to see them, especially when they were injured.

The boy clutched at his arm, shaking, sweating. The blood leaked between his fingers and into his dark green shirt. The material darkened and clung to the wound. It needed to be removed quickly so Dina could assess and treat it.

She was a nurse, not a doctor, but the doctors were busy with the young men dying on their tables and so Dina and a team of nurses were assessing the men who weren't currently dying.

"What's your name?"

The boy seemed to pale as she spoke. He looked down at the blood soaking his shirt and his eyes rolled as though he might pass out.

"Okay, It's okay," Dina reassured him quickly. "Sit back against the wall and try not to look." She didn't need him to faint on her.

"Can you tell me your name please?" She asked again.

He trembled as he spoke, his voice higher than Dina was expecting.

"Williams."

Dina smiled at him. "I'm going to take good care of you, Williams. Can you tell me what happened?"

He swallowed hard; shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, you're probably in a lot of pain."

He nodded and Dina knew she needed to hurry to not torture the poor boy. "I'm going to remove this okay? I need you to take your hand off for me." She reached for his shirt but he flinched away from her with wide terrified eyes.

"I know it hurts. But I can't help if you don't let me."

He shook his head and moved as far from Dina as he could. "I can't," He said. "You can't-"

"There's nothing to be proper about. I've seen it all before, trust me."

"No," He said, shaking and scared.

For someone so scared Dina was surprised he was denying her help. He intrigued her. "The doctors are busy. Men are dying and my time can be used better elsewhere. If you aren't going to let me help you then you need to leave." Dina didn't mean it of course. She cared for all of her patients, even the stubborn ones. This was a trick she used sometimes to get them to realise how silly they were being. It seemed to work.

He relented and let Dina begin to remove his shirt. He couldn't lift his arm to aid her so she cut the material from his arm instead. His tan undershirt was next and what Dina found surprised her, shocked her, she gasped and looked up into Williams' pale face.

His chest was bound tightly with bandages; He didn't appear to be injured anywhere other than his arm and so Dina knew what those bandages meant.

"You're a woman," She said in stunned disbelief.

The boy, girl? The girl began to cry. "P-please don't tell anyone. You can't tell anyone!" She pleaded with Dina.

"What's your first name?" Dina asked more sternly.

"Ellie," She sniffed. "My arm, it hurts. Please-"

Dina pushed aside this new piece of shocking information in favour of doing her job. "Sit back," The girl leaned against the wall, her head lay back looking to the roof, silent tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Were you shot?" Dina asked. It appeared to be bullet wound but she wanted to confirm.

She nodded, still without opening her eyes.

Although Dina knew she shouldn't, they didn't have enough as it was, "I'm going to administer you some pain relief, this should help you relax a little." She searched for the little glass jar of morphine and located a syringe quickly. "Okay, just a little pinch," as she pierced her skin with the needle. The girl flinched at that too and Dina's heart broke. Why was this girl at war? She could barely handle an injection. "You should feel that working soon." "Okay," Dina felt around the wound, the blood had already begun to slow which was a good sign. She set to cleaning it quickly. Ellie tried to hold back her whimpers of pain whenever Dina manipulated her arm into a painful position. "This is going to hurt. The bullet is still inside, but I'm going to remove it now."

Ellie scrunched up her face in anticipatory pain and nodded once more.

The bullet came out easily enough, a gush of blood pouring out after it but Dina was pleased to see no fragmented pieces lodged throughout the muscle. Ellie cried especially hard at that.

"It didn't break bone, it's just a flesh wound. A deep one but you'll heal up fine soon enough."

Ellie nodded, sucked in air through her teeth as she seemed to grow dizzy once again.

"I'm just going to close the wound now with stitches then we'll wrap you in bandages and put your shirt back on." Ellie's demeanour seemed to unwind a little and Dina was unaware whether that be because of the morphine beginning to take effect or the offer to put her shirt back on.

"Okay, all done," Dina patted Ellie's arm and found a clean spare tan shirt for Ellie to put on. Dina helped her slip her head through and her left arm, but then left her right arm tucked close to her body in a sling beneath the shirt instead. "Feel a little better?"

"Yes, thank you." She seemed tired. Dina needed to find a bed for her to sleep in but they were all full. They'd been setting up patients on the ground between the beds and Dina knew she'd have to do the same with Ellie. Beds were only for the critical patients.

"I'm going to set you up in the recovery ward. Can you follow me?"

She agreed and stood up with a grimace.

Dina led the way. The closer they came to the ward the louder the howling became. Agonized screams from suffering soldiers. They had to conserve their morphine supplies. The stocks were running low and more wouldn't be available for a while yet. Dina had to begin her rounds and check up on her patients but she needed to find the woman a place to sleep for the night.

They entered the ward and rows upon rows of wounded soldiers cried out. There were visible blood stains from every corner of the room. Dina stepped around the soldiers already situated on the floor with practiced ease and found a small place for Ellie for the night between a man with severe head wounds and another who would never walk again.

"I'm afraid we haven't any more space," Dina handed her a blanket. "You'll have to stay here for the night."

Ellie was scared, her eyes wide with fear, and skin white as the sheet Dina handed to her. She looked at the chaos around her and began to breathe raggedly.

Dina knew it was a lot to take in. She remembered the day she first stepped into this room. She had never felt so helpless. She wanted to help people, not listen to them suffer and die. "I need to get back to work and begin my rounds, I'll be back to check on you within a few hours. Try to get some sleep." Dina knew though whatever sleep she may get would not come easily, if at all.

Ellie nodded blankly in response, she slumped against the wall and curled her good arm around her knees leaving the blanket to her side.

"Here," Dina picked up the blanket and draped it over her. "Do try to sleep." She walked away. She knew she would have to tell someone about the woman in her charge but right now she had bigger things to worry about.

The next few hours were long and gruelling. Three more men died of their injuries and Dina could do nothing to help them. The ones that she could help she couldn't help enough. She was forbidden to use morphine on non-critical patients and the ones that were critical mostly died. Guilt gnawed at her heart for wasting such a precious resource on the woman with a non-life threatening injury but Dina was quick to push it aside, sometimes the rules were made to be broken.

She was exhausted, barely able to stand but unable to give up. Two nurses worked with her but none of them spoke.

The screams barely registered. She changed IV's, bandages and catheters in a mechanical fashion. Made sure the ones that were asleep were still responsive and called someone over to remove a dead soldier when they weren't. They needed to free up the beds.

The men that were awake cried to her, begged her to tell them they'd make it home but the truth was some of them would be sent back to the frontlines. They needed the men and if they still had arms and legs then they would be sent back after having time to heal. The same would happen to the female soldier if she were not found out.

It tore Dina up inside, it ate away at her soul and she could feel the irreversible damage it caused to her psyche everyday.

"Dina! I need help!" Dina ran to the nurse calling for her. A patient was trying to rip his IV's out, the nurse Dina recognised as her best friend, Riley struggled to hold him down.

"Sir, you need to calm down!" Riley yelled.

"Let me die! Please! Don't make me live like this!" He cried and Dina could see why. He was missing both legs. One from the knee down and the other from the thigh down.

Dina helped Riley to calm him. She spoke soft words while Riley administered more of their precious morphine and he went to sleep not a moment after. It wasn't the first time this had happened. Many soldiers begged for death and if Dina were honest, she didn't blame them. She couldn't imagine the things they had seen and the terror of their experience on the frontlines of war. Physical injuries were curable but there was no escaping from the mental torment.

Riley burst into tears. She sobbed heavily and Dina pulled her into a tight embrace remembering how she had felt. "Hey, when did you last sleep?"

Riley rubbed at her eyes attempting to pull herself together. "I-I can't remember, two days ago?"

"Go get some rest. You need it."

"I can't, my shift's not over. I h-have to-"

"I can cover for you." Dina rubbed her arms. "Go get some rest."

"I can't make you do that; you've already been on almost fourteen hours."

Dina gave her a tired grin, "Yeah, well I think you've been on even longer than that haven't you?"

Riley nodded.

"Go on," Dina encouraged her and she didn't put up any more resistance. She left back to the nurse's quarters and Dina took over caring for Riley's charges as well as her own.

Dina kept at it until her eyes felt like they were rolling backwards into her skull. Her limbs were weighted down like lead and every step felt like an internal accomplishment.

"Smith!" She stood to attention at the doctor who called her name.

"Yes, Doctor."

It was the same Doctor, the one who had assigned her to the medical bay. He was a large stern looking man with grey eyes and the hair to match. He removed his bloody gloves as he addressed her.

"Why does it say this patient received morphine?" He pushed his dirty gloves into Dina's hands holding up the man's chart from earlier.

"Doctor," Dina began. "He was inconsolable, a danger to himself and anyone around him. I had to-"

"A danger!?" He boomed. "The man's got no damn legs Smith! Who the hell is he a danger to?"

"He was tearing out his IV's," She tried anxiously to explain, "It was the only way I-"

"We don't have enough morphine to hand out to patient's you can't control, Smith! Do you understand that there is a shortage?"

He stared at her incredulously and Dina dropped her eyes. "Yes, Doctor."

"Because it seems to me like you don't. Who signed off on this?"

"Me," Dina answered. "Just me. I'm sorry."

He seemed to take unkindly to her apology as a scowl drew his lips together. "I don't want an apology. I want you to follow the rules. I want to walk away from here knowing that my orders are being followed and not disrespected. You are not in charge here; do you understand? This is my ward and you will follow the rules, got it?"

"Yes, Doctor."

Her submission seemed to placate him. He ran a hand back through his wiry hair and shoved the clipboard into Dina's chest where she was still clutching his dirty gloves. "Get back to work." He stormed off and Dina relaxed only once he was out of sight. She hated being reprimanded, but more she hated that he thought her an incompetent nurse, she could see it when he spoke to her, hear it in the patronizing tone of his voice.

She was so tired. So very tired.

Dina reached the woman she treated earlier. The blanket was completely covering her and when Dina pulled it back she was curled in the foetal position on her side with her good hand covering one ear. She was shaking.

"Hey, Williams! Can you hear me," Dina leaned down to gently nudge her. Ellie kept rocking and Dina had seen that before too, it was common after listening to the cries all night.

"Williams, I need you to sit up for me please."

At Dina's request she shuffled up against the wall, but didn't attempt to make eye contact. Dina knew she needed to inform her superiors about this woman but now was not that time.

Dina leaned closer to the soldiers' ear so no one could hear her, not that anyone could over the noise in this room anyway. When she was close she realised how bad this woman smelled, like dirt, old sweat and body odour. Dina spoke quickly, "I need to change your bandages and check on your wound but I can't do that amongst everyone else in here. I'll need to take you back to the examination room. Can you follow me?"

She nodded and stood with great difficulty, Dina hooked an arm through hers and together they made their way outside into the quiet cold night and back into the room they first met in.

"Do you need help removing your shirt?"

"N-no, I got it." Ellie wriggled awkwardly, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment that Dina pretended not to see, she managed to remove the shirt while Dina purposefully turned around to locate the fresh bandages and antiseptics.

When Dina turned back, Ellie had her head back against the wall and was sucking the air between her teeth like she had been doing earlier, a grimace on her pale face.

"I know it hurts." Dina said sympathetically. She removed the old bandages now soaked with blood and Ellie whimpered at every touch. "I can't give you any more pain relief, I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Just do it. P-please hurry."

"Okay." Dina got to work and for the most part Ellie did well to hide her discomfort. Dina moved as efficiently and painlessly as she possibly could on such a small amount of sleep.

"Can you distract me? Talk to me?" Ellie winced as Dina cleaned the wound.

"Sure. How old are you?"

"Not about me," She replied.

"Okay," Dina paused, unable to think of anything.

"I saw what you did for that nurse earlier, covering her shift."

Dina nodded. "She'd do the same for me."

"And you took the blame for the morphine," She pointed out.

"She's my friend," Dina said. "Of course I did." She wrapped the fresh bandages.

"You're a good person."

That made Dina want to cry, because she didn't feel like a good person, leaving people to suffer and not ever being able to help enough. She changed the subject. "You were supposed to be sleeping. Not watching what I was doing."

"I couldn't sleep." And Dina knew how impossible it would be to sleep in that room, especially on the floor and in pain. Ellie shivered and Dina could see the goose bumps all over her skin. She was dirty, Dina was used to that but this woman was especially unclean. Dina's nose hurt from the odour, strong and lingering.

"You'll have to try."

"I know."

"Okay, all done. Let's get you back so I can finish for the night, I'll be back to check on you in the morning though."

On the way back to the ward the shelling began. It was so close that the ground shook along with all of the tents around them. It was deafening and as Dina had been trained to, she needed to find them cover.

Ellie trembled against Dina's side and Dina's instincts set in to find a safe place for them. "Williams! Stand up, we need to find shelter." She shouted over the shelling and Ellie righted herself as much as she could. Dina hooked an arm around her and together they ran to the nearest tent she could find. It was empty thankfully, and Dina ordered Ellie to get under the cot. She did as Dina asked.

Dina worried for her other patients, she had to get back to them and calm them down, keep them safe. She ran to exit the tent when she heard Ellie call out to her.

"Where are you going!?" She'd pulled herself out a little from beneath the cot but flinched every time the ground shook.

"My patients!" Dina shouted. "I have to get back to them!"

She looked like she was going to accept that when another tremendous boom sounded and she cried out. "Please don't leave me." It made Dina remember the man begging her not to let him die and she knew she couldn't leave. "Please stay."

Another resounding boom and Dina clutched the canvas of the tent for support. The ground shook and Dina found herself on her knees crawling towards the soldier. When she reached her she pulled the two of them beneath the cot and situated herself over her patient protectively, still being careful not to put any weight on her bad arm.

Ellie shook beneath her and Dina listened to her cries. There was nothing she could do that she wasn't already doing. Personal items strung up around the tent fell and clattered to the ground. Pictures of family, bottles and glasses shattered around them and anything that wasn't tied down moved. The shelling was so close. It hadn't been this close before and Dina considered the thought that she might die here.

"We're going to be okay," She panted. "It's going to stop soon. It always does." Her heart raced inside her chest. "It always does." Not sure who she was trying to convince.

She clutched Ellie harder, flinching as the sound of another glass shattering rang in their ears. Ellie trembled at every sound and Dina could do nothing to stop her shaking. If they made it through this, Dina would be sure to get this woman discharged and sent back to her home where it was safe.

"We're going to die. Aren't we?" she heard Ellie speak.

"We're not going to die. Our soldiers will push them back, I know it." She didn't though. Maybe this was it for them and the war would be lost.

Ellie was warm and the embrace of another body against her own was immensely comforting after so many months at war alone. Dina held tight to the patient for both of their sakes.

She hoped her death was quick.

X

"Nurse?"

Dina heard a quiet voice call out to her but she was somewhere else in a comfortable place.

"Nurse? Wake up." Dina felt someone shake her insistently and she could think of nothing worse than opening her heavy eyelids. The person became more insistent and reluctantly Dina did. The first thing she noticed was her aching muscles and joints, the second thing she noticed was the soft warm person she was laying on.

She sat up abruptly. "Ow!" Her head slammed into the cot they were hunkered underneath. Dina ducked back down rubbing her head and blushed when she met Ellie's wide eyes. If she wasn't mistaken there was a tiny smile wanting to curl her lips.

"Don't laugh," Dina grumbled. She was having a hard time remembering where they were and why.

"I'm not," Ellie answered back, this time her lips betrayed her and she gave a small smile. The first one Dina had seen on her and it made her lose her breath. She became aware of her heart thudding rhythmically in her chest. Her face hot.

It was still dark but she could sense the early morning seeping into the atmosphere around them. "How long have we been here?"

"I don't know. I fell asleep too."

They must have fallen asleep some point after the shelling. She couldn't believe they managed to sleep during any of that but the exhaustion must have been heavy in their bones.

Dina's mind went immediately back to her patients. She needed to check on them. She hoped the shelling didn't cause them any harm, hoped that the hospital was mostly intact, she should have been there. Her eyes stung, she shouldn't have left the ward to treat Ellie, but she did and she hoped no one suffered in her absence. She could never forgive herself if anything happened.

"I need to see to my patients." Dina pulled herself off of Ellie and slid herself out from under the cot. The small space in the tent was a mess, glass and belongings scattered across the floor. A sharp sting pierced her hand and she pulled it to her chest with a yelp. "Damn glass." A small bead of blood appeared in the middle of her palm, she wiped it on her sleeve and pulled herself up to her feet.

"Are you okay to climb out?" She called to Ellie still beneath the bed.

There was a grunt and a mumbled, "Yes."

Dina waited for Ellie to crawl out too, it took longer with her injured arm. "Watch the glass," Dina warned. Ellie did so and stood, Dina could tell how stiff and weary she was with the hunch in her back. She shook out her legs and stumbled. Dina caught her shoulder before she fell. "Woah there, you alright?"

"Yeah," She tried to shake her leg awake again. "My legs are asleep. I think where you were laying on them."

Dina blushed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause you discomfort."

"No!" Ellie assured her. "You didn't- I mean. Thanks for not leaving me. Thank you for staying."

If Dina were being honest, she felt comfort from Ellie's presence. She slept better than she had in months crammed under a bed listening to artillery rounds and that scared her.

She cleared her throat. "C'mon we need to get you back."

X

It was havoc when they reached the recovery ward. Nurses and doctors flitted in and out of the room pushing gurneys and stepping over the soldiers on the floor. Dina showed Ellie to another spare space on the floor and left her there. She needed to get to emergency. The wounded soldiers from the nights heavy shelling were arriving. All staff were on deck and Dina rushed to scrub up and get in there.

They worked for hours. Dina couldn't remember the last time she ate and didn't have the time to think about it. When the flow of soldiers calmed and the most critical men were taken care of, Dina was excused from her duties and she dashed to the mess hall where supper was being served.

Their food supplies weren't doing so well either, it had been weeks since Dina last ate any meat. They were living off of soup, beans and stale bread. Dina fixed herself a plate and slumped down at one of the portable tables. It tasted like the best meal she had ever eaten. Her stomach filled quickly but she forced herself to eat in case it was a while until her next meal.

Riley pulled up a seat next to her. "I'm starving," She moaned. Riley looked as exhausted as Dina felt, she had dark bruising beneath her eyes and her movements were slow and heavy.

"I know how you feel," Dina answered still spooning the food into her mouth even though she was well past full. "What happened last night? Did you sleep through the shelling?"

Riley spoke through a mouthful of food; there was no need for manners any more. "No, I woke up to my bed shaking and went to help out in emergency. I barely made it there, that was the worst shelling I've experienced since I got here."

"I know," Dina agreed. "I thought I might die."

Riley nodded solemnly. "Where were you?"

Images of Ellie's sweet smile from that morning flooded her mind and the comfortable sleep she'd had crouching for safety beneath the cot.

"I was walking a patient back from one of the examination rooms when it started. We ended up in someone's empty tent, huddled beneath a cot."

Riley kept shovelling food into her mouth and then paused. "You spent the night with a man?" Her eyes lit up at the thought of possible gossip.

Dina pushed her shoulder half-heartedly. "It wasn't like that. He was scared and hurt and we couldn't have made it back safely."

Riley finished her soup and tore into her bread. "I'm jealous." She sighed. "I'd kill to spend the night with a man."

"Riley!" Dina gasped, she felt the blush warm her cheeks. "It really wasn't like that." Plus, Dina thought, she was a woman, not a man. And also maybe it actually was like that, which was an even more terrifying thought.

"I'm just saying," Riley smiled. Dina always tried to avoid conversations like this. They made her uncomfortable but for some reason it was Riley's favourite topic.

Dina yawned, "I'm going to hit the showers. You want to come?"

"Yeah, I need to wash all this blood off me."

They took their empty trays to the kitchen and walked together to the women's showers, chatting and laughing like they hadn't been wrist deep in blood and guts all day.

Other women were taking advantage of the showers too and Dina and Riley waited until there was a spare one for each of them to get in.

The hot water had all been used and Dina irrationally or perhaps entirely rationally wanted to cry. Instead she showered as fast as she could and bid good night to Riley on the way out.

Her tent was trashed when she got back to it, her belongings and the woman's she shared the tent with were scattered across the floor. Dina though, was too tired to clean it up. She fell into her cot for another night of restless sleep.

X

The next day was Dina's to spend as she liked. The first thing she did was clean up the mess in her tent. It took a while to sweep all the broken glass and it hurt when she saw the picture frame of her family back home had a large crack through the middle of it. She placed it back next to her bed with a sigh. Everything was broken in this place, the people were no exception.

Her tent mate was a serious older woman. She didn't joke or smile much and Dina tried to keep out of her way as much as possible. Dina assumed she had seen a lot for her to be the way she was now.

Dina was immersed in her book, waiting for lunch to be served when she came back to the tent.

"Good afternoon," Dina smiled to her. The nurse nodded in acknowledgement.

Her name was Tess and she intimidated Dina even though she had never once been rude to her.

"Thank you for cleaning up in here."

"Oh, you're welcome." Dina placed her book down. "I put your belongings in the corner there, I wasn't sure where you would want them."

"That's very kind," She didn't smile but it was the best Dina was going to get.

Maybe she was lonely, a lot of the women here were in their early twenties, like Dina herself. Maybe Tess felt left out. "I'm about to head down to get some lunch if you'd like to join me?"

"I've just come from there, and I'm exhausted. Thank you for the offer though."

"Of course," Dina smiled. "I'll see you later."

X

Dina ran into Riley on the way back from the mess tent.

"That patient of yours, Dina." She shook her head frustrated. "He just about lost it at me."

"Which one? What happened?" Dina couldn't think which of her patients would have done that. None had so far anyway.

Riley wiped an arm against her sweaty forehead. "The boy, he's young. He looks no older than sixteen. I think he said his name was Williams."

_Oh no_. "What about him?" Dina asked attempting a calm exterior.

"He needs to bathe but would not let me touch him with the sponge. He cried and begged me to get you."

"Oh," Dina said.

"What's wrong with him? It's just a bullet wound on his arm isn't it?" She asked bewildered.

"Yes," Dina answered. "But he seems to have grown fond of me. I can assist him if you like?"

"Yeah, I told him you had the night shift tonight and would be back then."

Dina was relieved; she didn't seem suspicious at all. "Thanks, Riley."

They parted ways and Dina went back to her tent to rest before her shift.

X

It was a rare quiet night in emergency and the men in the ward were quieter than usual. Dina felt a sense of calm and ease and decided to take advantage of this brief lull.

She approached Ellie's bed where she was fast asleep. Her face shifted into a frown and her eyelids flickered with what Dina could only imagine was a bad dream. It was around 3am in the morning, Dina felt awful for what she was about to do, the girl probably hadn't managed to sleep for a long time.

Dina shook her leg. "Williams, wake up." Ellie shifted beneath the covers and stirred gently into consciousness. "I see you finally got a bed," Dina smiled.

Ellie's blurry eyes opened wide when she noticed who it was talking to her. She smiled big and it warmed Dina's heart. "Nurse, Smith."

"I heard you got upset with my friend," Dina said, knowing perfectly well why Ellie threw a fit but for some reason still wanting to pick on her for it.

"I'm sorry." Ellie's eyes dropped to her hands where she fiddled with a corner of the blanket. "She was trying to give me a sponge bath. I couldn't let her find out."

"And here I just thought you liked being dirty," Dina joked and Ellie's face went the deepest shade of red she'd seen. It was a look full of shame and Dina wished she could take her words back. "It's okay. I mean, if you weren't dirty I'd think you hadn't been fighting hard out there." But the both of them knew Ellie was dirtier even than most of the men that came through here.

Ellie dropped her voice to a whisper. "The men would sometimes bathe together around a tub. I couldn't join them."

"I understand, Ellie. I'm not judging you." Dina felt terrible.

Ellie nodded but could no longer make eye contact.

"That's actually why I'm here." Dina glanced at her watch. "It's five past three. Obviously I can't give you your bath here but the women's showers should be empty at this time and there should be hot water. Would you like me to take you there?"

"Really?" Ellie sat up like an excited child.

"Yes." Dina laughed. "I'll even let you borrow my soap."

Ellie was out of the bed before Dina could blink. "Thank you. Seriously, thank you."

Dina lead the way trying to hold back her smile. "C'mon, it's this way."

X

As Dina had suspected, the shower stalls were all empty. She knew they would be but that lingering worry in the back of her head was only put to rest after actually seeing it.

"I'm just going to need you to keep your arm out of the spray," Dina ordered as Ellie began to undress.

"Sure thing, nurse."

Something felt too official about that term. "You can call me, Dina. If you want to, just when we're alone y'know. Maybe not in front of other people though."

Dina turned away as Ellie undid her chest bindings. Who knew how long they had been on her for. Dina would be surprised if they hadn't caused some kind of damage.

Ellie released a little laugh at Dina's expense. "Sure thing, Dina."

It felt nice to be called by her name.

The water started and Dina felt it was safe for her to turn back around now that the stall door was closed, which was odd because she'd never felt the need to turn around before. Maybe it was subconscious because Ellie still looked like a boy. She could see from Ellie's shoulders and up and as she asked, Ellie kept her injured arm out of the water.

It was a cold night and the steam rose around Ellie's head.

She heard Ellie moan and laughed. "Feel good?"

She moaned again. "You have no idea."

This benefitted Dina too. Ellie was going to smell nice after this.

"Umm, Dina?"

"Yeah?"

"I can't- Could you help me wash my hair. My arm- I can't do it with one."

Dina was aware that Ellie was not wearing clothes. She cleared her throat where her pulse was now rapidly thudding away. "S-sure. I can do that."

She walked into the stall next to Ellie's and Ellie passed her the bar of soap with a shy smile. "Thanks."

Dina pulled her lips between her teeth with a determined nod. She leaned over the stall wall and kept her eyes firmly locked on Ellie's dirty wet hair. It was short and shaggy. She lathered the soap on Ellie's head and ran her fingers through the unkempt mess. She enjoyed touching her.

_"Ooh,"_ Ellie groaned again and it did something unexpected to Dina's body. She felt the pulse between her legs, felt the beginnings of sexual arousal.

"Sorry," Ellie laughed, embarrassed. "It just feels so good after so long."

Dina massaged her scalp with gentle but firm pressure. Ignoring the reaction her body was having to Ellie. The soap and water coming away from her hair was almost black. It would have to be washed a few times. "I can imagine," Dina replied stiffly.

Something in her voice must have sounded off because Ellie looked up at her, one eye closed from the stinging water. "Are you okay, Nurse?"

"I'm fine." Dina quickly dunked Ellie under the water to rinse her hair and get that eye off of her. The dirty water ran down Ellie's shoulders and Dina watched it with intense focus, only pulling her eyes away when it reached the curve of Ellie's ass.

Ellie was watching her again. "You can look you know? I don't mind."

Dina tore her eyes from Ellie's hair to her face. "What?"

Ellie shrugged. "It just looked like you wanted to. That's all."

"I don't." Dina responded stiffly again.

"Okay."

Ellie didn't mention it again and Dina lathered up and rinsed her hair for her two more times before handing the bar back to Ellie to clean the rest of her body. The body that Dina now couldn't seem to stop thinking about.

Ellie must have been in the shower an hour. She only stepped out when she complained of the water getting cold. It gave Dina enough time to recollect her thoughts and calm down a little.

"You're lucky," Dina laughed. "I haven't had hot water in months, everyone always beats me to it. Maybe I need to start showering at 3am." Dina turned away again and listened to Ellie drying herself.

"Dina?"

She nearly froze.

"Yes, Ellie?"

"I need help again."

Lord help me.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't do up my binding."

Dina hesitated. She needed to be a professional and help her patient. That's all it was. She took a deep breath and turned around. Ellie had the towel around her waist the way a man would but Dina could see everything else.

Dina's breath caught in her throat. Ellie had a strong frame and pale freckled skin, she had small breasts that Dina found herself trying to pull her eyes away from. Dina followed the line of muscle down the middle of Ellie's abdomen and stopped where it met the towel.

"Nothing you haven't seen before right?" Ellie said self-consciously after Dina hadn't moved or said anything.

Dina forced herself to move. "No."

Ellie was holding the dirty stained binding she'd been wearing previously and went to hand it to Dina. Thankfully Dina had thought ahead.

"I brought fresh bandages to use," Dina said. "You won't have to wear that dirty one anymore."

There was genuine gratitude in Ellie's eyes. "Thank you. Truly."

Dina grabbed the new ones and handed the end to Ellie. "Hold that against your- your chest." Ellie did so and Dina stood in front of her beginning to wrap the binding around Ellie's breasts.

It was quiet and Ellie seemed never to take her eyes from Dina's face, it was unnerving.

"You can go a little tighter," her voice caught the way a pubescent boys' would and she cleared her throat.

"I don't want to hurt you. It can't be good wearing this all the time." Dina examined the red marks on her skin from the old bandages with a worried crease to her brow.

"Better that than someone finding me out."

Dina considered that and obliged by pulling them a little tighter. Her breasts were no longer visible and Dina's heart calmed. "There you go. All done."

Ellie didn't answer her and when Dina looked up to see why, Ellie stepped away abruptly, cleared her throat, "Thanks."

Dina let her get dressed and waited patiently against the wall.

"I have to report you," Dina said as they walked back to the ward. It was cold out and Dina could see her breath visible in the air against the moon light. The gravel crunched beneath their feet in uneven strides.

"You can't," Ellie panicked, her voice heightened in pitch.

Dina studied her face under the moonlight. "Ellie, you can return to your family, you'll be safe." She explained.

Ellie shook her head. "You're wrong, please you can't report me."

"What are you so afraid of?" Dina asked her curiously, what could be more frightening than war?

"If you promise not to report me," Ellie said, her eyes completely black in the darkness. "Maybe I'll tell you one day."

Dina sighed, "I can't make that promise."

They made it back to the ward but didn't enter, hesitating at the entrance. Ellie didn't argue, instead she looked at Dina so intensely that Dina could not maintain the gaze. She looked away.

"I understand," Ellie whispered and entered the tent. Dina trailed along behind wondering how she got herself into this predicament. If the Doctor found out, it could be the end of her career. But if he didn't, Ellie would be sent back to the front lines, Dina was sure of it.

X

Riley flounced into Dina's tent and dropped down onto the cot next to her. Dina peered up from her book. "That boy's sweet on you," She nudged Dina with a conspiratorial grin.

Dina had some free time and had decided to quietly spend it reading in her tent. However, it was not unusual for Riley to appear suddenly with half a conversation only she had the context for and interrupt Dina's quiet time, it was a quirk that Dina both loved and tolerated in the girl.

"Huh, which boy?"

"That young soldier," Riley insisted. "He asks about you whenever you're off duty."

_Oh that soldier _Dina thought. "I'm sure he just likes me better because I'm gentle."

Riley gasped and smacked Dina in the arm playfully. "I'm gentle, too!"

"Ouch," Dina exaggerated rubbing her arm, her eyes lit up and she took advantage of the moment to tease Riley, "That's not what your patients have been telling me. 'Please ma'am don't let her touch me!' 'Miss, she's coming back, please don't let her hurt me again!' These are soldiers, Riley, and they're more afraid of you than the war!" Dina finished laughing.

Riley looked scandalised. "They do not say that."

Dina shrugged playfully, "Whatever you say."

Riley grumbled and crossed her arms. Dina pushed her shoulder playfully, Riley wasn't rough with her patients at all, in fact she was probably more gentle than Dina, especially when it came to the tough love attitude that Dina spoke to some of them with, Riley had a lot more empathy. "I'm just teasing; they don't say that."

"They'd better not, or maybe I will give them something to complain about." Dina laughed and Riley's demeanour lit up again.. She was always cheerful and it helped to have someone like that in a place like this. Dina didn't know how she did it. "I'm serious though, y'know," she continued. "He likes you."

_You're wrong,_ Dina thought. _She doesn't like me. She can't like me._ "Well I don't like him," Dina answered safely.

"Oh come on," Riley smiled. "I've seen the way you look at him."

Dina put her book down, dog earing the page and placing it on the stand beside her bed. This conversation was making her uneasy but curiosity made her ask, "How do I look at him?"

"Like you're afraid," she answered plainly, like it was obvious. "Your eyes scatter away nervously but then always find their way back to his face when he isn't looking."

_Is that how I look at her? Has anyone else noticed?_ Dina pushed away the thoughts, she decided to avoid it all together. "Why are you watching me so intently while I work, Riley?" She asked. "Sounds like maybe you're the one who likes me."

"Gross!" Riley remarked, it wasn't mean spirited but it made something inside of Dina coil. She didn't like the feeling. "I've gotta get my kicks somewhere, single girl like me. Watching you two gives me a vicarious thrill."

"Well you'll have to find your thrills elsewhere," Dina dismissed, not unkindly but certainly more firm than she usually spoke to Riley. "Whatever you're seeing isn't there."

Riley sighed not entirely picking up on Dina's tone. "It's just as well, he seems a bit young anyway."

Before Dina could argue that he was probably the same age as her! Riley had billowed her way back out of Dina's tent with a hasty goodbye. She was like the wind in some ways, Dina thought, flowing freely and turning up only to disappear a moment later. Her carefree spirit only seemed to aid that analogy.

Dina was nothing of a carefree spirit, and any remnants she may have had were stripped away from that conversation with Riley. She felt a great unease settle within her gut, vaguely nauseous, while thoughts she didn't want to entertain swirled around the outside of her consciousness. She wouldn't let them in and certainly wouldn't let them find voice, not even a wordless image would drift through. But they were there, circling and it was now a conscious effort to keep them at bay.

X

Dina entered the ward with a stern resolve she intended to maintain. She didn't like that Riley had noticed her and Ellie's interactions, though they had been entirely innocent, Riley had misconstrued them to see something there that wasn't. The Doctor already thought her incompetent and she didn't want to give him or anyone else reason to scrutinize her behaviour. Each patient was treated in a distant but professional manner. When it came to the female soldier that started all this, Dina sensed her confusion from the brisk and unengaging changing of her bandages. Sense her hurt when Dina coldly checked her vitals. There was no conversation and Dina was swift to move on to the next patient, not once looking back.

Somehow over the next couple days it was worse that Ellie didn't ask her why she was being so clinical. Dina of course couldn't explain the answer and was glad for the lack of questioning, but catching glimpses of her hurt stare from across the room was heart wrenching. It seemed not to matter how much Dina externally shut off her emotions, internally they wreaked havoc on her heart. No, not her heart, she corrected. There was definitely no feeling there.

X

Dina hadn't noticed her lack of nightmares in recent times until they came back.

_She crouched down in the trench, her feet and knees ached with pressure, she wiped the sweat from her brow. 'I'm not supposed to be here,' she thought. She shouted, "I'm not supposed to be here!" to anyone that would listen. The men that surrounded her in the trench though didn't hear her, they didn't turn to listen, their faces turned away from her own. When she rose to her feet, bullets showered above her head and she promptly fell back down to her knees in terror. Gasping for air, she crawled through the thick mud to the man closest to her and tugged his shoulder. His body fell toward her, his face lifeless and grey. She screamed but no sound came out, scrambled backwards on her hands and knees until she crashed into another soldier, this one scared her more, for he had no face at all._

__

__

_A rifle appeared in her hands, the metal smooth and heavy. She tried to drop it but found herself unable to. The bullets firing from overhead subsided and in the silence a voice rang out. "C'mon Dina. You can't protect me forever."_

__

__

_"Ellie?" Dina edged her way toward the wall of the trench and hesitantly peered above it. Ellie stood in the middle of the war zone completely weaponless wearing only her bandaged chest and camouflaged pants for protection._

__

__

_"Ellie!" She shouted. "Get down!"_

__

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_Ellie shook her head._

__

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_"You're going to get killed! Get down!"_

__

__

_Again Ellie shook her head. The firing started up again and the dirt around Ellie rose up in scattered clumps as the bullets penetrated the earth around her. It wouldn't be long before they hit her. Dina looked down at her gun and then back up to where Ellie stood._

__

__

_A look of horror distorted Ellie's face. "No, Dina. You can't protect me."_

__

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_Dina raised the gun and aimed away from Ellie to where the bullets were coming from. Her finger hesitated on the trigger, a loud shot rang out. She was lurched backwards down into the trench._

__

__

_She climbed frantically on her hands and knees to peer back out over the trench wall and what she found made her scream. Ellie, dead from a single gun shot wound. Dina knew it to be her own._

__

__

"Wake up!"

Dina snapped awake, drenched in a cold sweat. A firm hand gripped her shoulder and before her mind had awoken she thought it the faceless man from her dream.

She pulled away, clambering to the corner of her bed, hands placed protectively around her knees. Then the room was illuminated and Dina could make out Tess placing a lantern on her stand.

"You're going to wake the entire camp if you keep screaming like that," Tess chided.

Dina clutched her knees, panting and exhausted. "I'm s-sorry," she stuttered. Attempting to find her voice in the late hour.

"Don't be," Tess sat on her own cot watching over Dina sympathetically. It was the most emotion Dina had seen in the woman. "I used to get them, too."

"Nightmares?" Dina whispered.

"Yes."

"I thought they were gone," She said simply, her heart pounding still.

"They have a way of creeping up on you."

"Yes," Dina agreed.

Tess rose and turned out the lantern. "Try and get some sleep."

Sleep was too much to ask for right now though. Dina felt trapped in her tent, claustrophobic, like the walls would collapse in on her. She felt the damp material of her pyjamas. Never had she sweat so much.

"I'm going to shower," Dina said to Tess.

"It's two am."

"I won't be long," Dina replied. "I just need to freshen up."

There was a long pause before Tess responded with an uninterested. "Suit yourself."

X

There was hot water available but for the first time, Dina didn't want it. She was scared the warmth would lull her into a sleepy fog and sleep was the last thing she wanted right now. Instead she blasted the cold water over her face and body and stood there as long as she could before it became unbearable.

Her body was covered in goose bumps when she stepped out but she was wide awake. Her skin cold but fresh and no longer sticky with sweat. It was pitiful to admit as a grown adult that her nightmares frightened her, but they did. Especially that one, that one was worse than the others and the faceless man kept flashing into her memory.

X

Ellie was asleep when Dina approached her bed, it was odd because it was almost ten in the morning and Dina was surprised the bustle of day time hadn't woken her.

She shook Ellie's shoulder, "Soldier, wake up."

Ellie murmured a little in her sleep but did not awaken. Dina leaned closer to her face, her brow was drawn into a worried frown, beads of sweat prickled on her skin. Dina touched the back of her palm to her forehead, the skin was hot with fever and Dina shook her harder.

"Soldier," She said firmly. "If you can hear me, open your eyes."

Again Ellie didn't respond, Dina reached for her pen and placed it horizontally against the finger nail on Ellie's pointer finger. She pressed hard and Ellie's hand flinched away from the pain. It was a good sign.

Dina pulled down the collar of her shirt and checked over her shoulder to ensure no one was looking, she pulled Ellie's breast binding down slightly and rubbed her knuckles as hard as she could against Ellie's sternum. The uncomfortable feeling would usually wake an unconscious person up and luckily it worked.

Ellie opened her eyes and Dina let her shirt go back into place. "Williams," Dina addressed her, the high panicky feeling she'd been experiencing loosening somewhat. "I need to see your arm." Dina tugged at the shirt in her way and Ellie pulled back.

"Th-they'll see," She stumbled on her words and it only worried Dina more.

"I don't care, there's something wrong."

"I'm fine," She protested.

"You're not fine, I could barely wake you." Ellie flinched away again when Dina tried to pull down her shirt.

"I can walk to the examination room."

"Can you?" Dina challenged.

Ellie responded by stumbling out of the bed and finding herself unsteadily on her feet.

They walked slowly but no one paid them any mind, all too caught up in their own tasks. When it was just the two of them alone in the room, Dina sat Ellie down on the bed and immediately began to strip Ellie of her shirt. Ellie yelped when Dina tried to get her to move her arm above her head to slide the shirt off and she stopped.

"It hurts?" She asked analysing her expression which was now sheet white and scrunched in pain. She looked like she would vomit.

Ellie saw no need to lie. "Yes."

Dina found the scissors and like the first time they met, cut the shirt from her body. The bandages were next and Dina was careful to manipulate them to not cause her more pain. What was underneath made her gasp, a hand pressed to her open mouth.

The wound was angry and red, a thick yellow pus oozed from the swollen flesh, stitches barely visible, being swallowed by the inflamed skin. The smell was awful. Dina worried, "When did the pain start?"

Ellie shrugged carelessly and winced when the movement caused her arm to throb. "A couple days ago."

Dina felt the anger hot in her blood. _You idiot!_ She wanted to shout._ How can you have been so stupid!_ "Were you trying to be tough?" She snapped. "Trying to act like a man?"

Ellie shrunk back, _"Dina?"_

Tears welled in Dina's eyes and she shook her head to try and make them dissipate. She needed to stay calm, she reminded herself, but a night on such little sleep wasn't helping.

Ellie looked down at her arm and grimaced. "Is it bad?"

"It's infected," Dina stated coldly. _Infection kills half the men that come through here. You'll be lucky to be any different._ She kicked herself for not having seen the signs earlier. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Ellie's eyes danced away from Dina's, she looked so sick. "I thought you were angry with me; I didn't want to bother you."

A laugh burst from Dina's throat but it wasn't a happy sound. It was more like the disbelief and dread needed a way to escape and that's the sound it chose. It sounded anguished and Dina could see that it scared Ellie. She wasn't doing her job well, she wasn't supposed to get emotionally attached to patients and she certainly wasn't supposed to express such upsetting emotions in front of them. The Doctor was right after all, she was incompetent.

Ellie's small voice pulled Dina back to the examination room. "Am I going to die?"

Dina blinked, took a deep breath and relaxed her face. "No, you're not going to die." She rifled for some antiseptics in the cabinet because she couldn't bare to lie to her face. There was some saline solution in the back that she reached for as well, she grabbed a clean cloth and turned back to Ellie who was beginning to pale as time went on. "We're going to keep this really clean, okay?"

Ellie nodded.

"This is going to hurt," She paused, "Probably a lot more than the first time I cleaned it."

Ellie's eyes watered and Dina reminded herself to be professional, to take a step back.

"Okay." Ellie agreed and Dina set to work. The skin of Ellie's arm was fiery and the temperature only increased Dina's concern. If her body couldn't get this infection under control soon, it would spread to her blood, she'd become septic and die. Dina had seen it plenty of times before. Their immune systems were weak, they'd lived off barely any food outside in freezing conditions and had nothing left in them to fight. They died quickly, but it was a bad way to go.

At one point Ellie screamed. She panted, eyes rolling backwards every so often to try and remain conscious against Dina's necessary assault.

Dina patted her thigh. "Talk to me, tell me something. Anything you want."

Ellie grit her teeth and panted through her open lips. "I can't think of anything, it hurts. It hurts so much."

"Don't focus on that."

"I don't know how not to."

Dina stepped closer, touched the front of her thighs to Ellie's bent knees. The proximity set off Dina's own adrenalin, she reached for Ellie's good hand, "Here," she placed it against her own wildly thumping heart. Try and count the beats."

Ellie's eyes widened as she stared up at Dina's face in wonder. "It's beating too fast."

"Try anyway."

Ellie looked back down at her hand on Dina's heart and gently splayed her fingers. When Dina resumed cleaning the wound, they tightened against her shirt, gripping reflexively against the pain.


	2. Chapter 2

"You're burning up," Dina said as she laid Ellie back down into her bed amongst the other wounded soldiers. Dina dampened a cloth and placed it against Ellie's forehead. "Try to get some rest, I'll be back every hour to check on you until my shift is over."

"I don't want you to leave.”

"Riley will be here to look after you once I'm finished, you'll be fine." Dina forced herself to step away and go about the rest of her shift. She was scared, though. More scared than she'd ever been and she wondered again how this woman had come along and consumed her every waking thought. When it came to Ellie, Dina didn't think with words and reason. She just felt, and right now it hurt and she couldn't explain why.

By the third check up, Ellie was unconscious.

X

Dina picked at her food, moving it around her plate to avoid eating it. She felt sick to her stomach and despite how hungry she was, couldn't keep a bite down. Riley pulled up a seat beside her.

"Not hungry?"

Dina shrugged, barely acknowledged her, she mushed the beans on her plate flat with her fork.

Riley started on her own meal. "Y'know," She began, making idle chit chat. "I really have a feeling this war's gonna be over soon."

"What makes you say that?"

"Just a hunch."

They fell into silence again. Dina was certain this war had years left, that this was only the beginning and she feared the person she might be when she returned home. She felt aged beyond her years, having seen more than a lifetime’s worth of suffering.

Riley sighed, "His arm's pretty bad."

Dina didn't respond because she already knew how bad it was. She didn't respond because she couldn't talk about this. Not now.

"I know you're going to say you don't care-"

"I don't," Dina cut her off.

Riley raised her hands in defence, the fork in her right hand dropping food onto the table. She wiped it carelessly onto the floor. "Okay." She was quiet only a moment before, in typical Riley fashion she couldn't help but speak up. "But-"

"Enough." Dina rose from the table, put away her tray and exited the mess hall.

She could hear Riley running to catch up with her but did not slow down. "Dina, wait!" Her boots thumping against the gravel, light panting as she caught up to her. "I'm sorry."

A stray tear fell down Dina's cheek and she tried to subtly catch it with her sleeve. She didn't look at Riley, kept her eyes ahead. Kept walking.

"Are you crying?"

Dina sniffed. "No."

"…Okay."

They walked together in silence and when Dina reached her tent to say goodnight, Riley wrapped her in a tight hug. Dina surprised herself by hugging back twice as hard, resting her head against Riley's shoulder. She didn't realise how much she'd missed human contact that didn't involve pulse checking and wound cleaning.

"You can talk to me," Riley whispered against her ear. They pulled away from the hug, Dina was sure her eyes were red as they attempted to hold back her tears. "I know I'm too much sometimes," Riley's cheeks flushed despite her dark complexion. "And the last thing you probably want after a double shift is to have me hanging off you like a leech."

"No, Riley. It's not like that."

"Look…" her voice wavered. Dina watched her throat bob as she swallowed. "You're my best friend. I just want you to be okay." She pulled Dina into another tight hug and Dina held on almost as long. "Sleep well." She walked away.

"You too," Dina called to her retreating figure.

X

The shelling, like Dina's worry was relentless. There were plans to relocate the entire hospital further from the front lines, the enemy was approaching and quickly. The ground shook and Dina's ears rung constantly, a high pitched frequency that seemed to bounce around inside her skull. It never stopped and It frightened her, she wondered every day whether it would be her last.

Dina thought of her family and often wondered if she'd ever see them again. If she did, she wondered if they'd like the person she'd become. Dina held the IV over her patients' arm and looked to Ellie's unconscious figure across the room. What was so intriguing about her? Why was Dina so captivated by her?

There were plenty of soldiers in this place Dina could focus her attention on, and yet none had even blipped on her radar. Ellie's face scrunched and every now and then she turned restlessly in her fevered sleep. Dina wanted to go to her, sit by her side and stay there until Ellie was conscious enough to know she was there. That she'd always been there. It was impossible though, she had to do her job and she couldn't draw suspicion by showing up on her days off either.

Again, her mind wandered to the reason the woman had chosen to run away to war. It was difficult for Dina to think of something that would force her to make such a dangerous decision. The curiosity burned in her. She swallowed thickly and looked at the man in front of her.

"You okay, ma'am?" He asked.

Dina realised she'd been attempting to insert his IV for quite a few minutes now. "Yes," She replied. "I apologise."

He smiled warmly. "Perfectly okay with me, ma'am. I hate needles."

She laughed. A small half hearted one, but it was a start, she hadn't laughed in a while. She'd almost forgotten she could. "You're fine with people shooting at you, but you don't like needles?" She asked him.

He grinned, "Yeah well, the trick with getting shot at is not getting hit. But that needle of yours is coming for me no matter how I try to dodge it. Ain't it?"

Dina agreed with him, "You're right."

He scrunched up his face in preparation for the injection and Dina thought it sweet how hard he tried to keep his arm still for her. "All done," She patted his shoulder. "That wasn't so bad was it?"

"It wasn't good," He countered.

"You should start feeling a little better once those fluids get into you." He suffered from dysentery. It wasn't pretty.

"Thanks," He said. Dina nodded and moved along.

Ellie remained unconscious, fighting off infection.

X

"C'mon, Dina," Riley pushed the plate closer to her. "You have to eat something. You're gonna pass out if you don't."

"I'm not hungry."

"Yes you _are,_ you need to eat."

So Dina ate, but not because she wanted to. Only to get Riley off her back, it seemed to work as Riley stopped pestering once she had a mouthful.

"Shipment came in this morning, we finally have enough morphine to go around." Riley mentioned absentmindedly.

Dina perked up. "It came in?"

"Uh huh," Riley nodded. "Everyone's a lot more comfortable now we're not rationing anymore. It's so quiet in there."

"Did-" Dina almost stopped herself but decided she didn't care. "Was Williams given a dosage?"

Riley didn’t draw attention to Dina's apparent interest in this patient for once and Dina was grateful. "Yes, I gave it to him myself earlier. His face seemed to relax a little. Although," She added, "he’s still unconscious."

"Do you think he will wake?"

"I don’t know. That's a nasty infection he's got to fight off."

Dina leaned her head on her arm tiredly.

"I've seen patients get through worse," Riley offered. "He might just make-”

Dina's chest paused with a faltering breath. "Don't. You can't possibly know."

"Okay," She said quietly. "I'm sorry."

X

Sleep was fretful and every day the shelling got closer. Every day, Dina found it harder to hide her affection for the female soldier in her care. _Please wake up,_ she lingered at her bedside, placed a hand against her searing skin. Ellie jerked in response, eyes fluttering, but did not wake.

It felt like her fault, if only she hadn't dismissed Ellie, maybe she would have told her about her symptoms before it got so bad. Maybe she wouldn't be fighting for her life now. Ellie's hand clenched at the blanket, it reminded Dina of the way Ellie had gripped her shirt. Dina reached for it and folded it into her own. It was clammy and hot, but Dina could have sworn Ellie squeezed back.

She decided to talk to her. She looked around, most of the wounded were sleeping now they'd been dosed heavily with morphine. "Hey," She began not knowing what to say. "I-"

"Smith!" A stern voice startled her, the Doctor, "Scrub up and get in here."

Dina rose quickly, Ellie's hand falling from her own. She pushed away the image of the dead soldier's hand falling limp in the same way. Though she did not want to leave Ellie, she was elated the doctor had personally called for her. "Yes, sir." She washed up in the room before the theatre and could see the amount of blood and madness that awaited her through the door. For once, she welcomed it, perhaps it would distract her troubled mind.

When she arrived at the Doctor's side, he growled. "What took you so long? Get me a clamp." Hurriedly she set to her task, a bead of sweat ran down to meet the mask over her mouth. Today was going to be long and gruelling but that was what she did well, she didn't do sitting around with time to think and worry.

_Please wake soon,_ was her only thought before her concentration was stolen by the surgery before her. _Please._

X

"Dina! Get up!" The blanket was ripped from her body and she was met with the cold air of early morning.

"Riley?" She rolled back over and tucked her head underneath the pillow. It was freezing without the blanket and she curled into the foetal position to maintain some warmth. "Go away," She grumbled tiredly.

The pillow was removed from her head as well. "No, get up! Quick."

Dina wanted to kill her. How did she always manage to show up at the worst possible time? "Do you have any manners? You're going to wake, Tess."

Riley threw a glance over her shoulder. "Her?" She pointed with a thumb. "She's dead to the world. Now come on!"

"What is so important that you need to wake me at-" She looked at the time. "4:30 in the morning, Riley. What the hell?"

"He's awake."

Two words and Dina was out of bed. She changed to her uniform in less than a minute and shot from the tent, this time Riley was the one left behind. Dina assumed Riley let her go alone to have some privacy.

She entered the ward, her eyes found her. Ellie was propped up, resting against her pillows. Dina raced to her bedside, professionalism be damned. "You're awake," She said breathlessly. Not sure if the run or sudden surge of adrenalin were what had stolen her breath.

Ellie met her eyes with a tired grin. "I am."

The smile made Dina's eyes well up, she hadn't realised how much she'd missed it.

"Are you going to cry?" Ellie asked.

Dina shook her head, "No." Because she definitely wasn't going to cry, but then, "Maybe."

Ellie laughed quietly before a brief look of pain stole the expression and Dina was quick to get back into work mode. "Your arm?" She asked.

"Just a little sore," Ellie reassured, "nothing like it was."

"Here," Dina fetched the morphine and pulled the right amount into the syringe.

Ellie drew away. "I'd rather not sleep again, if that's okay."

"It's not enough to make you sleep, it'll just help ease the pain."

Ellie eyed the syringe uncertainly.

"Do you trust me?" Dina asked.

"Yes."

Dina gripped her arm gently, "then let me." Ellie didn't look at the needle as it pierced her skin. "I swear, what is it with you soldiers and needles?"

"You think I'm a soldier?" Ellie asked, and that surprised Dina.

"You wear the uniform, don't you?"

Ellie shrugged. Dina didn't understand. "I'm glad you're awake," Dina whispered. "Even if it is 4:30 in the morning."

"How long was I out for?"

"Just over a week."

"Thank you for caring for me," She said sincerely.

"It wasn't just me," Dina brushed away the sincerity. "All the nurses have cared for you at some point over the past week."

"Yeah well," Ellie breathed. "You're the only one here, so I'm gonna thank you."

Dina smiled. "Okay."

Silence as they both felt the need to avoid eye contact. What was it about this woman that unsettled her so? Dina had never been one for timidness and yet when Ellie looked at her, all her confidence fell away. Ellie's gaze was disarming in a way that had Dina craving it.

"You'll be well soon."

Ellie yawned, Dina would have to let her sleep. "Thanks to you," She smiled. But Dina wasn't smiling and Ellie's face fell, too. "What's wrong?"

"You'll be sent back," Dina whispered, afraid to say the words too loudly in case they came true. Now she was recovering, it was a certainty. Any day now, the doctor would clear her fit for duty and she'd be gone.

Ellie wrung her hands together. "I'll be okay," She said.

"Ellie, please-"

Her eyes hardened. "I'm not letting you tell them. I won't be sent home."

"You'll be killed!" Dina cried out. Ellie's eyes widened and flashed around the room but Dina didn't care if she was being too loud. She didn't care if anyone else heard them.

"Then so be it," Ellie said stubbornly.

"How can you say that? Why are you so ready to die?" Dina spoke with a quiet intensity. "Is- is there nothing you care for?"

Ellie looked up into her eyes and Dina couldn't hold her gaze, it was too powerful, there was too much there she wasn't yet ready to see. "I- I care. There's just- It's-"

"What?" Dina asked, desperate to hear her reasoning.

"You wouldn't understand," She sighed dejectedly, picked at a strand of thread in the blanket. 

"Try me," Dina challenged.

Ellie slumped further into the bed, eyes stormy and Dina could tell she was close to tears. "I'm tired, can we let this go?"

The air around them was palpable, tension thick. Dina breathed it in. "You could go home, so many soldiers would kill to have that option. We're _losing,_ Ellie." She didn't miss Ellie's panic at the mention of her real name. "Do you understand that it's not just a chance you might die? It's an inevitability."

Dina could see she wanted to hide. "Why do you even care? If you're so sure I'm going to die, then just let me!"

Dina stepped away from her bed, from the anger in her voice, afraid if she didn't she'd draw too much attention. "Fine," She sniffed back tears. "Do what you want, I can't stop you." 

It was peculiar her heart ached as it did, if she didn't know better she'd say it felt like her heart was breaking, but that couldn't be true because there was no one to break it. No. It just hurt and she couldn't explain why.

Riley was waiting outside when Dina stormed out the doors, they almost collided. Riley stepped quickly to catch her.

"Woah!" She wrapped her arms around Dina tightly. "You okay? What's going on?"

"She's an idiot!" Dina cried into Riley's shoulder, folding into her like her own weight were impossible to bear. "She's going to get herself killed and she doesn't even care!"

"Wait," Riley pulled back in confusion. "Who? Who's going to get themselves killed? I thought you went in to see Williams, who is she?"

The body against hers was soft and it only made Dina cry harder, she didn't care she'd let the female pronouns slip. What did it matter now? Ellie was going to die either way.

"Why can't I let her go?" Dina cried into Riley's shoulder. "Why do I care _so_ much, what's wrong with me?"

"Dina?" Riley's confusion only grew. "I think you need to go back to bed, you're not completely awake yet." If only that were true, if only this were one of her nightmares she could wake from. They walked back to Dina's tent, Riley didn't ask any more questions and Dina wouldn't have had the answers if she did.

Before they parted ways, Riley held onto Dina's arm. "I'm not sure I understand what's going on, if you're just half asleep or something. But there's nothing wrong with you, Dina. It's never wrong to care for someone."

X

Ellie's dark eyes followed her around, she knew without looking, could sense her stare from across the room. When she reached Ellie's bed, Ellie took a gentle hold of Dina's hand. Dina looked at their hands together and shook Ellie's off. Ellie pulled back, tucked her hand back into the blanket, shifting her eyes down with guilt.

"Please don't be mad at me."

"Any pain today?" Dina asked her.

Ellie sighed, dejected, "a little."

"Mhm," Dina answered. She reached for Ellie's chart at the end of her bed and wrote down the information. "Would you like any pain relief?"

"No," Ellie answered.

Dina clipped the chart back to her bed and moved on toward the next patient. "Wait!" Ellie called.

Dina stopped. She was glad Ellie was improving but she was so angry Ellie was still going to make such a stupid decision. She was hurt and didn't understand how to deal with these emotions. She couldn't separate them and be professional so she tried ignoring them altogether, however that didn't seem to be working either.

"Yes, soldier?"

"My bandages need to be changed."

Dina tilted her chart, brows drawn together. "I changed them two days ago, you should still be fine."

"Well I'm not," Ellie retorted.

Dina pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. "Why? What's wrong with those ones?"

"They're dirty," Ellie huffed.

Dina snapped, she didn't mean to. "Well you should be used to that." She regretted it immediately, even more so when she saw how it hurt Ellie. Her cheeks flushed again so much like the first time Dina mentioned her hygiene. Dina hesitated, "I'm sorry."

Ellie didn't say anything.

"Fine," Dina gave in. "Get up, and we'll go to the examination room."

Ellie sat up, threw the covers off her legs and walked bare foot next to Dina. They were silent as they stepped outside, so much hung between them, there was too much to say and not enough space to fit it all. It felt awkward and uncomfortable, Dina didn't like feeling this way.

"Take your shirt off," She instructed once they were in the room together. Ellie knew the routine by now and was halfway through getting it off anyway.

As Dina suspected, her bandages were fine. She removed them anyway and gave the wound a quick cleaning, deciding she couldn't be too careful. She couldn't let her emotions get in the way again, if anything happened to Ellie, she wouldn't be able to forgive herself. She wrapped the fresh bandages and pinned them into place.

Dina took a step back and looked at Ellie, malnourished and damaged from war. Dina again couldn't comprehend her decision to go back. "I'm not going to pretend I understand why you're doing this."

Ellie had been examining the clean bandages when Dina addressed her. Her eyes were sad, conflicted, like she wanted to say something but couldn't.

"For some reason," Dina blinked, tore her eyes from Ellie's to instead stare at the spot on the wall behind her. "I care for you."

"I care for you too, Dina." Ellie answered.

"Don't," Dina whispered. "Don't say that."

"But I do," Ellie insisted, she stood up and the shirt on her lap fell to the ground. She approached Dina with caution.

Dina studied her, tried to find the thing that compelled her so. She couldn't find it; it was Ellie, just _Ellie_. Dina noticed her hair, getting long and shaggy, it made her face appear feminine as it softened the angular lines of her jaw and cheek bones. It wasn't _long,_ but it was too long for a soldier.

Dina reached out and touched her hair, Ellie's eyes closed instinctively. She hummed and let Dina splay her fingers, allowed her to touch her. It was soft and clean.

Dina pulled her hand away and Ellie moved forward chasing the contact. Dina’s breath in response became shallow and uneven, she attempted to stifle it. "You need a haircut."

Ellie opened her eyes. "Is it too long?"

"It's getting there," Dina said. "You look more feminine."

Ellie frowned and reached up to touch her hair. "Does it look bad?"

"No," Dina said, too quickly. "I- I like it like this."

Ellie smiled. "Well then I don't want to cut it."

Dina found herself smiling reluctantly, too. "You only wanted to bring me here so you could convince me not to be mad, didn't you?"

Ellie's smile grew, eyes crinkling. She said nothing.

Dina shook her head, "I thought so."

She wasn't mad, she was hurt but she pushed those feelings aside. Instead she turned to the set of drawers to her left. The pair of silver scissors she used to cut off clothing were amongst thermometers, clamps, and various other surgical items. She chose them and closed the drawer. "Sit down."

Ellie understood and sat back down on the bed, her hands at her sides gripping the edge. She swung her feet in front of her. "I haven't looked in a mirror in a long time," she said absentmindedly.

Dina had one in the drawer. "Would you like to see?"

"Yeah."

Dina found the mirror and passed it to her, small with a silver handle. Ellie held it in front of herself, touched her face as she examined her shaggy hair and pale skin. She contemplated her appearance for some time, Dina stood watching, waiting. Ellie seemed like she would cry.

Dina wanted to ask what was wrong, but thought she understood anyway. Her own appearance had changed from being here, the picture of her and her family that sat by her bedside reminded her every day. The Dina in the picture was younger, her cheeks rounder, eyes that hadn't yet seen the horrors of what the world had to offer, of what humans could do to one another. Now when she looked in the mirror there was a certain tiredness to her appearance, she held herself differently. It wasn't a bad thing but it was a gradual change she noticed in herself. Ellie was now seeing it for the first time. It would be a lot to take in.

"Different?" Dina asked softly.

"I don't look like me."

_Oh Ellie_

Dina's heart ached for her.

It was hard. The one person you are supposed to be most familiar with is yourself and Ellie couldn't recognise her in the eyes of the girl staring back.

She touched her face, the more prominent bones in her cheeks, the darker skin beneath her eyes. Last was her hair, "This is almost how I used to have it." She said. "My mom would get so mad when I got it cut to this length," she gazed off into the distance, eyes unfocused. "She always wanted me to have it longer."

Ellie put the mirror down and gave Dina the go ahead to begin cutting her hair. Dina didn't have any experience but figured it didn't matter anyhow. It just had to be shorter. Ellie closed her eyes when Dina touched her. Dina felt nervous, an energy between them she couldn't describe, she wasn't sure if it was her alone that experienced it. She couldn't ask.

"In the barracks they'd line us all up with three or four barbers and cut our hair all at a time. They would laugh at me because I couldn't grow a beard."

Dina listened to Ellie attentively. She was so curious about Ellie's life and rarely did she give Dina information without her asking. Even when Dina did ask she barely gave information.

"They just thought I was really young," She said. "Told me I'd be a man one day."

Dina cut a few strands and watched them fall to the ground in little rings. She wanted to keep them, soon they may be all she'd have left. "How old _are_ you?" Dina wondered.

Ellie moved her head to look at Dina and Dina pushed her head back to where she needed it. "How old do you think I am?"

Dina shrugged, "Twenty?"

"Twenty-one." Ellie smiled.

"I knew you were the same age as me," She said. "Riley was wrong, you're not too young for me." She realised what she'd said only after the fact and her face went hot. There was silence.

"Too young for you?" Ellie pressed with a smirk.

Dina pulled her hair a bit too hard.

"Ouch!"

"Sorry," Dina rubbed the spot she'd hurt. She enjoyed touching her. "Look down," She said, stepping closer to cut the hair near the back of her head. They were close, Ellie's knees almost touched Dina's thighs but this time Dina kept her distance. She was aware of her own body and Ellie's nearness. Felt that same stirring of energy low in her belly, she swallowed and tried to ignore those feelings.

Ellie was quiet for a while. She must have been examining Dina's clothing, for she reached for the fabric of Dina's uniform, the dress was a grey checked material and she wore a white apron over top of it. "This is nice," She said.

Dina scoffed, "Don't lie, It's hideous."

Ellie's hand flattened itself against the apron on her stomach. Dina stopped breathing. It was such a bold gesture, unhindered and unapologetic. She touched Dina because she wanted to.

Dina's hands in Ellie's hair paused, her pulse flared. Ellie's hand moved, slowly, from the middle of her belly and down, she stroked the material softly. Dina remained frozen. She couldn't move if she wanted to, as if Ellie's hand held a power that possessed her.

Unable to hold her breath any longer, Dina began to pant. She knew Ellie could feel it too, feel her breathlessness in the quick shallow movements of her abdomen. It was both mortifying and erotic. She wondered what Ellie would do, felt powerless under her touch.

"Not on you it isn't," Ellie whispered. She pulled her hand away. Only a few seconds of contact and Dina was shocked how quickly Ellie had disarmed her. And now, she longed to feel close to her, understood entirely what those feelings meant. She wanted Ellie to touch her, she wondered if she'd have let her, if Ellie's hand hadn't stopped where it did. If Ellie's hands had trailed to the bottom of her dress and raised it up, _up_ over her hips and reached between to feel the soft skin, wet with heat that Dina knew waited there. She wondered If Ellie wanted to touch her at all? If Dina's mind were not making things up because that's what it wanted to be true.

She shook her head, tried to remember the conversation they'd been having. It was uncomfortably silent. This time the silence wasn't angry and hurt, instead it was charged with an energy Dina wasn't sure Ellie felt. Ellie had simply been admiring her uniform. Nothing more. Because it _couldn't_ be anything more.

Dina cleared her throat to speak and choked a little, Ellie’s eyes were dark, the iris' completely taken over by pupil. They dropped down a little further to Dina's lips and Dina licked them instinctively. If Dina didn't know any better she'd say Ellie wanted to kiss her. But She did know better. And that was not the case.

Dina looked away and Ellie blinked rapidly. Dina cut the last couple locks in silence and then listened to her voice break when she told Ellie she was done.

She passed Ellie the mirror.

Ellie admired the new cut, ran her fingers through her hair. "Thank you," she said.

"You're welcome," Dina replied.

When Dina cleaned up the hair, she slipped a brunette lock into the pocket of her apron.

X

Tess was on night shift which meant Dina was alone in her tent, she was scared to sleep and didn't want to be alone so she stared at the canvas roof and tried to think of anything but the nightmares she was sure to fall into.

Her body had ached all day, not in the painful way it did after many hours working on her feet. No. But in the way it did when it wanted to be touched. After Ellie's hair cut they had walked back together in uncomfortable silence. Dina wanted to be alone, to take care of her _problem,_ but she had to keep working. Now though, she closed her eyes and conjured an image, the image that first appeared in her mind was Ellie. Of course. But not regular Ellie, Ellie from the night Dina helped her shower. Dina recalled the way the towel hung loosely around her hips, the drips of water that slipped smoothly from her hair down the pale skin of her collar bone.

Dina's pulse sped up. Although if she were honest, it had been in a heightened state all day. Her fingers clutched and fiddled with the blanket. This was a train of thought she should not follow, she needed to push it away but it was exciting and she didn't want to. Ellie's breasts even when not bound were small and Dina's memory of them was only brief for she couldn't stare too long at the time. She remembered the way Ellie looked at her that night and felt how her own eyes had danced away nervously. She remembered how Ellie had looked at her today and gasped quietly at the memory.

The hand that clutched her blanket moved down the length of her body. The night dress she wore was long and inconvenient but Dina managed to slide it up to her waist beneath the covers. This wasn't something she did often, there wasn't much privacy here and the brief moments there were, Dina was much too tired. But now she felt compelled, her body ached. Her hand scratched lightly against her inner thigh, tickling in indecision.

Ellie's nipples were tight against the cold and Dina wanted to forget that too, but in her mind she pressed forward, approaching Ellie in a way she couldn't. _Wouldn't_ in real life. She stood close enough to feel Ellie's breath against her face, Ellie didn't move, only watched and waited. This was Dina's fantasy, and in here, Ellie wanted her too.

She pressed her lips to the droplets of water on Ellie's collar bone, imagined how it would taste against her skin. Salty, clean. Imagined the sound of Ellie's panting from that touch alone. Dina licked her lips and her hand moved to the band of her underwear. Then, slipped easily beneath the elastic.

Another kiss placed south of the first one and here Dina could feel Ellie's heart beat against her lips. Another kiss slightly lower and Ellie's hand clutched the back of her hair, it held her still. _Keep going,_ it said. _Don't stop._

She sighed with pleasure, tried to keep her voice down.

Dina placed another kiss lower, this one against the defined line of muscle that ran down Ellie's abdomen. Ellie gasped. Dina was kneeling, eye to eye with the towel around Ellie's waist. When she leaned to place a kiss above the towel, Ellie's hand tightened in her hair. Urging her lower, asking her without words. 

_Please._

X

"Dina?"

She awoke to Riley calling her name.

"Riley?" 

"Can I come in?" She asked from outside.

"Yeah, yeah come in." Dina yawned, stretching in the early morning. Riley entered the tent and came to sit beside Dina on her cot. "What's up?" 

"Sorry if I woke you," She said softly.

"No, It's fine. I need to get up anyway."

Riley touched Dina's arm gently and Dina was sure she wasn't going to like what Riley had to say next. "I'm sorry," She said sadly. "I just heard, the Sergeant's coming next week."

_No._

Dina thought she had more time.

"Next week?" She repeated, the blood drained from her face. Riley spoke again but Dina didn't hear her. She felt Riley stroking her hand, felt herself return Riley's hug, but Dina wasn't listening anymore. Her mind was elsewhere and soon Riley was gone. 

Dina was alone in her tent. 

X

Dina found it difficult to pretend she was okay; she could feel Riley's sad glances her way as she went about her work and somehow that only made it worse. The sergeant usually came once every month, he was in charge of recruiting the recovered soldiers, he would assign them to their platoons and take them back to the front lines. He would be the one to take Ellie away.

Someone tugged her arm, gripped tightly and made Dina stumble backwards, she clutched the bed the patient was laying in for balance and looked at the man in alarmed surprise. His grip was crushing her wrist.

"Sir! You need to let go right now." Her voice rose high over the rest of the commotion in the room. A few people glanced her way but most continued with their duties.

He squeezed harder, there was a dark gleam in his eyes that frightened her. She attempted to pull her hand back but he only increased his grip.

"Stop fucking around and give me the meds," he snarled.

With her spare hand Dina reached for his chart. She was shaking, the wrist he gripped was turning red from the pressure.

"It says once every four hours, your last was only an hour ago, I can't give you any more."

That wasn't the response he was looking for and now he _was_ crushing her wrist. Dina cried out. "You're hurting me! Let go!"

"Give me the fucking meds!" He shouted.

"Riley!" Dina called. "Riley!"

She came running.

"Let go!" She cried again.

Riley knocked him unconscious with morphine just as they had done to Riley's unruly patient a while back. His grip loosened and Dina pulled her hand away. She took three steps back and rubbed the tender skin, holding it protectively close to her body, seeking any damage. It would surely bruise.

"You okay?" Riley inspected her wrist.

Dina's eyes pricked with tears. "Yeah, fine." She turned away. "Thank you."

Riley nodded, touched Dina's shoulder sympathetically and went back to work. Dina had had violent patients in the past but most of them suffered head wounds making them prone to it. This man had no such problem, he was just violent.

Dina warned the other nurses not to approach his bed alone and then stepped outside to regain her composure. It was a cool, still afternoon and she walked further between some of the tents, a little forest she could hide herself in. She was thankful for the privacy it created, for she didn't like to show her weakness to others and would wait until her heart calmed and her shaking hands stilled, then she would return.

Somebody else touched Dina's wrist and she pulled it away instinctively out of fear, scared the man had followed her out here. When she turned though, it was only Ellie, bare foot and worried. She reached again and softly touched the tender red skin on Dina's wrist. Her eyes asking if she was okay.

"Did he hurt you?"

It took everything inside of her not to cry. How was Ellie so sweet? How did she always know what to say? How did she know Dina didn't really want to be alone?

"Not bad," Dina said. "He was just a little rough."

Ellie's eyes darkened into a glower. If looks could kill, that man would be dead.

"Do you know him?"

Ellie stroked the tender skin on Dina's wrist. "No," She said quietly. "But if he touches you like that again, I'll kill him."

Dina's eyes widened. She was surprised by the venom in Ellie's voice. She thought back to the day they met, when Ellie seemed so much younger. A part of her liked the protectiveness.

The sound of footsteps approached in the distance.

"Smith! You're not on break, get back in here!" The doctor who shouted couldn't see her and she and Ellie quickly ducked down to be sure he wouldn't find them. Right now, Dina wanted to run away. Leave this empty, soul crushing place and learn everything there was to know about the woman before her.

"Smith!" He shouted again, angrier this time.

Dina was worried but laughed when she saw Ellie was grinning. It was childish to hide from her superior and even more so to take joy from it, but Ellie was laughing and somehow that made it okay. "You're going to get me in trouble," She chided with her own grin.

"Well I can't let that happen," She whispered and stood up with a smile. She walked out of the rows of tents and Dina listened carefully from her place on the ground. "Nurse Smith you're looking for?"

"Yes," he answered. "Have you seen- why are you outside?" He asked, frustrated when he realised Ellie was a patient. "You should be in your bed."

"Sorry, Doc." She answered. "Just needed a bit of fresh air."

"Well you've had your air now get back inside."

"Yes, sir!" Ellie replied. Dina laughed again, listened to them both leave and quickly snuck her way back inside without being seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm pretty new to this fandom, if you guys have a tumblr hang out somewhere, I'd love to follow your blogs. Mine is https://nervousenergyyyy.tumblr.com/


	3. Chapter 3

When Dina was alone, her thoughts were of Ellie. Crude thoughts she could not voice or act upon, but they were there all the same. Her mind was torn constantly somewhere between worry and sexual desire for this woman. It was a confusing and emotionally taxing state of mind to go between so frequently.

Dina wondered if Ellie thought about her as much? Sometimes she thought she did, the way Ellie's eyes seemed to linger on her. But what did it matter? Ellie wasn't going to be around much longer anyway. The thought weighed heavily on her, the Sergeant would be here any day now.

She shook away the thoughts and went back to her task of organising the storage room.

"Did you get in trouble?"

Dina almost dropped the box of supplies she was holding, she turned around to see Ellie standing in the doorway with a quiet grin.

Dina couldn't help but smile back. "Do you plan to make a habit of frightening me? If so, could you let me know now."

Ellie took that as an invitation and stepped into the room, she pulled the door closed behind her and Dina's heart faltered from that tiny gesture alone. Being in a small space with Ellie made her especially nervous. "You're not supposed to be in here," she said.

"Oh, okay. I'll go."

She said it like she _knew_. Confident that Dina did not at all want her to leave. In fact, Dina wished the opposite, that Ellie could stay for as long as Dina was stuck here in this miserable place too.

"No, stay."

Ellie grinned.

Dina laughed nervously. She placed the box she held onto the ground and removed the packages of cloth and bandages. The store room was a mess and the nurses had been meaning to get in here and organise it but could never find the time. Dina took it upon herself because she liked being neat and tidy and it helped to sort out her thoughts. She’d had a lot of those lately.

"Soo," Ellie stretched out the word, she plucked a small box from the shelf fiddling with it. "This isn't punishment for you hiding from the doc? Having to stack shelves?"

"No, I wanted to do it." She arranged the packages onto the shelf in their designated places and then removed the box from Ellie's hands. "And this, needs to remain sterile. Don't touch."

"Yes ma'am," Ellie laughed.

"You're in good spirits."

"I am now that I'm with you."

Dina felt the same way, but she was sure it was a different way than Ellie meant. She put down the box of syringes and paused, "What do you mean by that?"

Ellie shrugged, "Exactly what I said."

Dina sighed, she knew she wasn't going to get any answers. Ellie was so secretive about her life. She opened another box, sorting the items. Ellie stood watching.

"Can I help with anything?"

Dina sat back on her knees. "You should really be resting."

"I'm fine, let me help you."

Dina didn't argue, she wanted Ellie's company, even if she wouldn't admit it out loud. "Put these over there, they're pretty light, shouldn't be too heavy for you."

Ellie rolled her eyes but took them from Dina and did as she was instructed.

Dina couldn't stop the butterflies forming in her stomach. Ellie made her so nervous, she thought about when Ellie touched her uniform, how her hand had slid down the material. She paused and swallowed.

"Can you pass me that box from up there?" Dina pointed to the shelf behind Ellie's head.

"Which one?" Ellie stood up to face the shelf.

Dina approached her, standing to the left of her shoulder, she touched Ellie's arm and leaned closer than necessary to point to it. "That one."

Ellie stiffened, or maybe she imagined it. Either way Dina took great pleasure from having any effect on her at all.

"Yeah, sure." 

Ellie reached for the box, balancing most of its weight on her good arm and passed it to Dina. Dina took the box but didn’t immediately move away, a glint of light around Ellie’s neck had caught her eye and quite unintentionally she’d found herself placing the box on the ground and stepping closer to reach for the chain around Ellie’s neck. Her dog tags. “Elliot Williams?” She asked with a grin. If Dina didn’t know any better, she’d say Ellie was blushing. 

“I panicked when the recruiter asked me my name. Be thankful it wasn’t Elias that came to mind first.” Dina laughed until she realised Ellie wasn’t. Until she realised how Ellie was looking at her. How _close_ they stood. Dina cleared her throat, let go of Ellie’s tags and took a step back. 

Ellie blinked, looked down to the box she’d been holding. "What's in the box?" Her voice a timbre deeper than usual. 

"Just some bed pans."

Ellie screwed up her face and took an exaggerated step backwards. The spell was broken. "Ew."

"They're clean," Dina grinned. "Besides, they weren't so ew when you were the one using them."

Ellie went bright red, her mouth opened to argue. "I did not!"

Dina laughed and stacked the bed pans into a neat accessible pile on a shelf closer to the door.

"I would remember if I'd used one," Ellie huffed indignantly.

Dina tried to hold back another laugh. "Even while you were unconscious?"

Ellie paused, blushed harder and crossed her arms. She went back to sorting her own box not a moment later. "Remind me not to ask about anything else in these boxes," She muttered.

She was quiet again and appeared to be in deep thought, before, "I didn't really use one, did I?"

Dina couldn't help but laugh, Ellie's panic was sweet. Dina had seen, smelt and experienced every kind of bodily fluid since working as a nurse that literally nothing fazed her anymore. But she could understand where the embarrassment was coming from.

"You know what?" Ellie said, "Don't answer that."

Dina grinned, "Sure thing."

Ellie tried not so subtly to change the subject. "Has that man given you any more trouble?" She asked.

Dina knew the one she meant. "He hasn't grabbed me again, if that's what you're wondering. Though a few of the other girls have complained."

Ellie's demeanour became tense. "What did they say?"

Dina was wary of upsetting Ellie, the way her mood had shifted so suddenly. "I don't want to upset you."

"I'm not upset."

"You sound upset," Dina pushed.

"Don't worry about it then."

"Hey," Dina approached her, touched her upper arm softly.

Ellie didn't make eye contact.

It was so obvious to Dina now, the way Ellie responded around this man was not the way someone would respond to a stranger. "Why did you tell me you didn't know him?"

Ellie shrugged, "because I- I want to forget."

Dina didn't like the sound of that, it almost sounded like this man had hurt her. Ellie looked away, like she was ashamed. "He's not a good person."

"But he's on our side?" Dina said. "I don't understand."

"There are bad people on our side too," Ellie answered grimly.

"Tell me?" She knew there was more to this than Ellie was letting on.

Ellie decided it was safe to talk, here in their storage room amongst boxes and dust, safe from prying ears. Dina leaned close to her, because she wanted to, because she could. "He was in my platoon. He used to call me a faggot. Pushed me around a lot, because I'm smaller than the other guys, because I'm feminine. The others would laugh and it never got much worse than that." Ellie kept glancing over her shoulder, although they were alone in this room, Dina could tell she was frightened of him. “I always had to go to the bathroom late at night when most of my platoon was sleeping. It wasn’t a _bathroom,_” She clarified. “More like a fence post in some grass. One night I didn’t realise I wasn’t alone, I was grabbed from behind, the metal cylinder of a rifle around my neck. I thought I’d been ambushed. But I wasn’t, it was _him_. I fought like hell to get him off of me. He said he was going to- he threw me to the ground, he tried to-” Ellie’s voice trembled, she shook her head unable to speak the words. “I managed to get loose from his hold when he shot me.” Dina held her hand to her mouth in shock. Her stomach dropped. She didn't think about how Ellie had gotten shot, she assumed it happened while fighting. “I fell to the ground and we fought again, I got his rifle from him, shot him in the stomach point blank. I dragged his unconscious body to the medics and then sat across from him in the wagon to the hospital. I wished I’d let him die. I should have. He hurt you because I was too weak to-”

"Oh Ellie," Dina whispered. "That isn’t your fault. I'm so so sorry." Dina pulled Ellie into a hug, feeling like there would never be enough words for what she wanted to say. She didn't care that she shouldn't, Ellie needed comfort right now and so did Dina. Ellie held her back, firm and unwavering. She clutched Dina tightly and Dina could sense her desperation, much like her own.

They only pulled apart when another nurse stumbled into the room looking for clean sheets. She excused herself and exited the room quickly. Dina knew the gossip would begin about her being caught in a compromising position with a soldier, she hoped it wouldn't get back to her boss.

X

The Sergeant came by the next day. Dina didn't realise she'd been secretly hoping Riley was wrong until she saw the man walk in with her own eyes. She could no longer deny the truth. He was a tall broad shouldered man with dark hair and blue eyes, the size difference between he and Ellie was almost comical and Dina felt the grief well up within her when she pictured him taking her away.

The doctor escorted him around the hospital, taking him to the recovered patients that were soon to fight once more. Some of them cried, some of them pretended to be more injured than they were, others for some reason Dina couldn't comprehend seemed happy to sign the papers declaring them fit for duty again. Dina's heart ached for all of them.

When they reached Ellie's bed, Dina stopped everything she was doing and watched, watched as the doctor manipulated Ellie's arm to see how it had healed up. Watched Ellie stretch her face into a fake smile and listen to their fake chumminess. Dina could see the pain in Ellie's eyes when he pulled her arm at a painful angle, she hid it well though.

When he took out the papers for her to sign, Dina heard herself speak up.

"Stop!"

The three of them turned to her along with a few other curious patients but Dina ignored everyone else. The doctor rolled his eyes when he saw Dina approaching, clearly he hadn't changed his opinion of her, she didn't really care anymore.

"You can't sign off this patient," She ordered.

Behind the two men, Ellie's eyes widened into panic.

The doctor approached Dina, his heavy boots creating an ominous gate. "And why is that?" He asked annoyed.

Dina looked at Ellie, saw the pleading in her eyes. Her heart pounded. "Because he's a-"

"Nurse, please!" Ellie's desperate voice.

The doctor sighed. "I apologise Sergeant, Nurse Smith has a habit of sticking her nose where it doesn't belong."

Dina flushed, it was embarrassing to be scolded before so many people. "He's not well yet," Dina insisted despite wanting to dig a hole and bury herself in it.

"Is this true?" The Sergeant asked.

"He's not well yet?" The Doctor repeated, she didn't like the tone of his voice.

"No," Dina answered meekly.

"Tell me something, Smith. Who is the doctor here? _You,_" He pointed a finger at her chest. "Or _me?_"

"You, Sir," Dina replied. "But you don't understand."

He laughed and it made Dina shrink in her uniform. "_I_ don't understand?"

"That's not what I meant-"

"No," he said distastefully. "That's exactly what you meant." He took another step toward her and behind him Ellie sat up alert in the bed. "What you don't seem to understand, Smith, is your place at this facility. And quite frankly, your defiance is becoming irksome."

"I just-"

His tone grew with impatience, "You don't know when to give up do you?"

Dina looked at Ellie, though her image blurred with tears. She ducked her head not wanting anyone to see.

"This is your final warning, pack up. Your duties are done for the day, you're clearly not in the right headspace to be overseeing patients."

The anger and helplessness Dina felt translated itself directly into tears and she walked away before letting them see her cry. Before Dina left she looked back once more to see Ellie holding the pen, she looked at Dina when she signed the paper and Dina turned away, she couldn't bear to watch Ellie sign away her life.

X

Dina didn't want to be alone. She wandered and weaved between tents, crunching the gravel beneath her shoes, looking for the one she wanted. Pushing down all the feelings that bubbled within her. Riley was working night shift later tonight and would still be sleeping in preparation. Dina found her tent and walked in without knocking, as she had imagined, Riley was fast asleep, curled comfortably in her cot.

Dina watched her sleep, her brow did not furrow and her eyes did not scrunch, she was at peace and Dina wished she felt that too. She approached Riley's bed, kneeled down before her and gently touched the blanket, lifted the corner and pulled it back, Riley curled inwards a little more in response and Dina slipped her way into the tiny bed. It was warm with the two of them and Riley began to stir, she lifted her arm up and touched the side of Dina's arm.

"Wha-" She murmured sleepily.

Dina reached for her hand and pulled it over her waist. Riley opened her eyes, they were face to face.

"Dina?"

Dina curled herself in towards Riley's neck and pulled her own hands into a tight protective bunch between them. Then she cried. "She's going back," She cried and repeated, "She's going back, she's going back, she's going back." The words kept coming, she couldn't stop them if she'd tried. Each time they felt more real than the last. Hurt more than the last.

Distantly she felt Riley tighten her arms around her. Her hair being stroked and Riley making quiet comforting sounds. Dina cried until there was nothing left, until her eyes ached and throat burned, then surrendered into silence and listened to Riley's breathing beside her.

It was cruel of Dina to steal Riley's precious resting time, she would likely be tired during the night now.

"You love her," Riley whispered.

_Was it love? Did love happen so quickly?_

Riley stroked her cheek.

Dina didn't need to say anything. "I know," Riley confirmed. "I saw her chest when I was treating her."

"I can't let her go," Dina sniffed. "She'll die."

Riley squeezed her tightly. Whispered comforting words and when she thought Dina ready, walked her back to her own tent.

X

The crunching of gravel outside the tent alerted Dina to the presence of another person. She awoke quickly, sat up wide eyed and alert, hoping it was again only Riley. She'd only just managed to cry herself to sleep. The intruder rapped against the canvas lightly, cleared their throat. "Dina?"

She stayed silent, she wasn't ready.

Ellie rapped against the side of her tent again. "Dina? Are you awake?"

Still Dina said nothing.

"I don't even know if you're in there, or if you're awake but I guess I'll talk anyway…" She trailed off nervously. Dina sat up on her cot to listen. "I came by," She began. "To say thank you for everything you've done for me. And for not turning me in today. I know I've been stupid, not telling you about the pain I was in and I saw how stupid you thought I must have been, too. You're right, I was." She paused, then added. "I am."

_Damn right you are,_ Dina thought. She blinked and felt hot tears tremble at the ends of her lashes.

Ellie took a deep breath, released it as a sigh. "I saw that look in your eyes again today when I signed those papers… I wish I'd never have to see that look again and maybe I won't, but I hate to leave it like that. I care so much what you think of me, Dina. _You_ specifically. I don't care about anyone else. I-I wish I could explain to you why I have to do this."

"You can." Dina heard her voice echo from the canvas around her.

"Dina?" Ellie whispered. "You're awake?"

"Yes." Dina confirmed.

Ellie hesitated on the other side of the tent, Dina could sense her uncertainty. "Can I come in?"

Dina went to the tents opening and pulled it back. Bathed before her in silver moonlight stood the woman soldier she hadn't been able to stop thinking about. At her side was a duffle bag and resting in her hand was her rifle. Her hair was combed neatly beneath her cap. Every button on her uniform neatly done up and polished. _Handsome,_ was the word that briefly flashed into Dina's mind.

Ellie grinned, eyes scrunching into that playfully endearing smile Dina had nearly forgotten. "Nice pyjamas."

Dina touched the white night dress she wore and rolled her eyes. "I’m not accustomed to night time visitors."

Ellie bit her lip, it seemed she wanted to make a smug remark but thought better of it. "Sorry to interrupt, were you sleeping?"

"A little." She walked back into the tent, wordlessly allowing Ellie to follow.

There was a lantern somewhere and Dina fumbled to find it. When she did, she lit a match and illuminated the small tent in yellow flickers. Ellie admired the tent.

"This is nice," She said. 

"The trenches must be awful if you think that this is nice," Dina mused.

"Compared to the trenches, this is a five-star hotel," Ellie laughed.

Dina didn't join her in laughter. "Then why do you wish to go back?"

Ellie removed her hat and screwed it up between her hands in front of her. Ran a hand through her combed hair until a few loose locks fell out around her ears. "It's not that I wish to, it's that I have to," She replied carefully, watching Dina's expression. "There is nothing for me at home, Dina. You must understand."

"Well I don't understand," Dina argued. "I can't because you won't explain it to me."

Ellie paced a couple steps and sat down on Tess's cot. Dina stepped back and settled herself down on her own cot.

"I'm engaged," Ellie mumbled. It was barely audible and still Dina felt something inside of her chest freeze. Like she'd been winded by a kick to the gut.

"Engaged?"

"Yeah," Ellie breathed.

An emotion Dina couldn't describe descended over her, it was dark and possessive and she didn't like the feeling. Something about it felt wrong, Dina tried to picture Ellie in her white gown as a handsome man in a dark suit waited at the end of the aisle. Her mind rejected the image.

"I don't understand." Dina didn't feel like she understood anything when it came to Ellie and she was tired of being in the dark. "Why are you here then?"

Ellie leaned further back against the wall of the tent, still wringing her hat between her palms anxiously. "Because I can't marry him. I'd-" She stopped. "I'd rather die."

"You ran away to war to avoid marriage?" Dina asked perplexed.

"I ran _away_ to escape a life that would never be my own."

"You don't love him then," Dina concluded.

Ellie stared down at her hands wringing the cloth. "No."

"Was it arranged?"

"Yes."

Dina felt a little like she understood, but now Ellie offered information without being asked.

"I was in love with another," She offered. That was unexpected and despite her own jealousy Dina wanted to hear about this person that held Ellie's heart. "But they were married off, too. I didn't even get to say goodbye."

"I'm sorry," Dina whispered.

"Sometimes," Ellie looked up from her hands to meet Dina's eyes across the tent. The yellow light flickered over her face creating shadows and shapes that weren't there. Eyes as dark as coal. "Sometimes, you look at me the way she used to."

Dina felt her heart skip, felt it begin to thud in her chest. "_She?_"

Ellie rose from the cot and approached Dina at her own. Dina felt that high unnerved feeling she always got when Ellie came near her, every hair stood on end, the blood in her veins coursed hot and alive wondering what Ellie would do.

"May I?" She asked pointing to the space beside Dina.

Dina's mouth went dry, she found herself nodding in agreement anyway. The cot dipped with Ellie's weight and Dina again felt that change of energy low in her belly. "H-how do I look at you?"

Ellie grinned. "Like you think I'm an idiot."

Dina laughed, grateful for the reprieve from this tension. "Well you got that right."

Ellie smiled and then, "Like you want to kiss me."

Dina's eyes fell to Ellie's lips, she watched as one was pulled between her teeth and bitten lightly before being released. Dina wasn't sure how much time had passed before she met her eyes again, but what she saw there scared her, compelled her, made her want to lean closer but terrified her into pulling away.

"You can if you want to," Ellie said quietly, echoing the similar sentiment from the shower.

It was honest and vulnerable in a way that gave Dina all control. She shivered. "I- Ellie. I-" She stood up and stepped away from the bed. Moved to where the light flickered and fiddled with the knob on the side to distract her hands.

Ellie stood too, approached Dina carefully, watching her like a timid wild animal. She stopped a few paces away. "Do you worry for me because I’m a woman?"

Dina thought about it, but the synapses firing in her brain were not working correctly, she stayed silent.

"Or do you worry for me because-"

Dina waited for her to finish, but she didn't, she stepped closer. "Because?" Dina whispered.

"You care for me more than you should?"

"Ellie, this is- this isn't-" Dina's face flushed as she stumbled over her words, not even entirely sure what she was trying to say anymore. "I care for all our men, it's my job."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know," Dina replied. They stared at each other through the flickering light until Dina lost her nerve. _But what you meant can't be acknowledged._ "How did you find my tent?"

Ellie let out a barely imperceptible sound of frustration. "I asked your friend. Riley?"

_Of course it was Riley. Damn it._

"Do you want me to leave?"

_No._

She didn't want her to leave and perhaps that's what scared her most. Terrified her.

"I think," Dina began. "I think that's for the best."

Ellie shrunk back. Somehow she seemed smaller than she had in the sharp folded corners of her men's uniform. "I'll be gone by early morning," She said. Her eyes caught Dina's and there was something forlorn there. She continued, "I hope I see you again one day."

Ellie went to leave and something inside Dina shouted, _Don't let her go! Stop her!_

"I don't." Dina's voice caught. "I hope I never see you again."

Ellie blinked rapidly, pulled her lips into her mouth. She was trying not to cry.

"Seeing you again, means you getting hurt. I don't want that to happen."

Ellie shrugged. "I don't care about getting hurt."

"You should," Dina scolded. "Why do you have such little regard for yourself?"

"The answer doesn't really matter does it?" Ellie said with a sad smile. "You don't care."

That pissed Dina off, Ellie completely dismissing how much Dina clearly cared for her. "You think I don't care?" She shot angrily. She looked up at the roof of the tent, trying to maintain some level of dignity before making herself look like a fool. "After _everything?_" Dina looked at her. "I care, Ellie. But you're going to go back anyway."

"I have to-"

"Don't give me that!" Dina's voice rose in the night and she hoped not to wake the other nurses sleeping in tents nearby. What was it about this woman that amplified her emotions so? Everything Dina felt was more intense, more powerful than she'd ever thought possible. She didn't realise how numb she had become until Ellie made her feel so much.

"Fine!" Ellie was upset too. "You want me to march in there? Rip my clothes off and show them I'm a woman? Get dishonourably discharged." Ellie laughed sarcastically, "If they'd even recognise my service at all. Get sent home and be _safe_," She spat the word with venom. "Safe isn't what you think it is, Dina."

"It's better than getting yourself blown up!"

"Is it?" Ellie asked. She stepped right up into Dina's personal space challenging her, and Dina felt the same electricity from the proximity as she did in her fantasy. "I'd just be dead in a different way."

She was so close. Dina's emotions all surging to the surface. Her heart pounded and her face flushed hot in the dim light. Her eyes fell to Ellie's lips, if she was going to lose her, she might as well do something stupid. Her hands reached for Ellie's uniform, clutched tightly at the sides of her jacket. The material was stiffer than she thought it would be, it couldn't be comfortable to spend so much time in.

Ellie moved easily, her body seeming to slacken as Dina clutched at it. "I wish we met somewhere else," Dina panted.

"I don't," Ellie responded. "I wouldn't change anything."

_Of course you wouldn't_, Dina thought, because Ellie was the kind of person who accepted what life handed her.

Dina wasn't sure what to do, to pull her closer or push her away but she knew her knuckles were white against the material of Ellie's uniform. Knew her heart was bound to break. "Show me your bandages," she whispered.

Ellie's eyes closed, she responded disheartened. "My arm is fine. I promise."

Dina stared at her own hands on Ellie's jacket and up into Ellie's shiny dark eyes. She swallowed. "Not those bandages."

Something like recognition flashed in Ellie's expression and she stepped back from Dina. Dina felt her hands fall away and wished immediately she hadn't let go.

"Do you mean it?" Ellie whispered.

"Yes."

Ellie reached for the first shiny gold button at the collar of her jacket. Dina noticed how her hands shook and realised her own were shaking too. The button slipped through the hole easily and Ellie's fingers fumbled eagerly for the next one.

One by one, Ellie's tan shirt beneath was exposed. She kept going under Dina's intensely observant gaze. When the jacket was undone she pulled the good shoulder off easily and struggled with a pained wince on her bad side. It hurt Dina to see her in pain but she didn't step forward to help, she let Ellie do it on her own.

It took longer than it should have and Dina could see the embarrassed flush spread like fire over Ellie's skin. See the self-conscious tremor to her movements. When it was off her shoulder she dropped it to the floor carelessly and reached for the tan shirt next. This would be a struggle, too.

The pale skin of her belly was exposed to Dina's wanting eyes as she slid the shirt upwards. Her muscles were more defined in the shadowy light. Dina felt the same heat return to her body that had been there that day she was alone in her tent, but this time more intense, this time it was real and right in front of her.

Ellie struggled longer with this garment than the jacket, but Dina got to watch the muscles in her stomach tighten and contract with her movements. Her own body was lightly muscled but not as much as Ellie's. Ellie's was muscled in the obvious way that only came from training and being at war, though admittedly she had lost some with her time off in hospital. Dina blushed when she saw the dark hair that grew under Ellie's arms. If Ellie was emulating a man, shaving would have given her away.

When Ellie had finally removed her shirt she was panting from the struggle, she looked up at Dina self-consciously and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. It was obvious she was embarrassed.

Ellie's nervous fingers touched the bandages covering her chest. "Is this what you wanted to see?"

Dina nodded, she walked to Ellie and ran a hand down from her collar bone to the beginning of the material on her chest. She wanted to memorise the way Ellie's skin felt, scared she might never have another chance.

Ellie shivered, leaned forward into her touch. Maybe Ellie did want this as much as she did? Dina searched for the end of the bandage where it was secured with a pin, she found it easily and began to unravel them. It was quiet but Ellie's breath filled the silence and she lifted her arms as much as she could for Dina to undo them. When they were undone Dina let the material fall to the floor at their feet. She blushed and this time let herself look at Ellie's body. Ellie who was so patient and kind, stood before her with a shiver but dared not to move. Let Dina take her time.

Tiny goose bumps spread across her skin and it was obvious she was cold. Dina admired the slope of her neck and the long stretches of pale skin before her. "You can touch," She heard Ellie's soft voice from somewhere distant. "I want-" Ellie reached for Dina's hand and placed it firmly against her breast. "I want you to."

Dina wanted to as well. Heat surged in her body as she touched Ellie's skin. Her breast was small but enough for Dina's hand to cup gently, she pulled back and touched Ellie's nipple. Ellie gasped. Curiosity lead Dina's hand, comparing the feel of Ellie's nipple to her own. She had seen a lot of women naked in the showers but never once had she been drawn to a body like she was drawn to Ellie's. She pulled back, scrunched her fist hesitantly.

"I'm scared," Dina heard herself say.

Ellie moved away to give her some space. "Of me?"

_Yes_, Dina thought.

"I won't hurt you," Ellie said.

Standing there half naked and cold and still making promises she couldn't keep. Perhaps she believed it. To Ellie it was the truth but Dina knew better, _You've already hurt me_, she thought.

"Are you okay?" Ellie asked nervously from Dina's silence.

_No, I'm not okay_.

Instead, Dina lifted her night dress over her head in one swift movement. Standing in only her underwear she met Ellie's eyes. They were busy exploring Dina's body. Her wide eyes and parted lips gave her a child like expression of wonder. Nobody had ever looked at Dina like that before. Ellie was in awe and it made Dina feel wanted.

"Nothing you haven't seen before right?" Dina said a little self-conscious under Ellie's wanting gaze, echoing Ellie from the shower.

"I've never seen anything like you."

Ellie moved, her hands found Dina's waist and the divots of her rib cage. She held her like she couldn't believe this was happening. She embraced Dina, skin on skin. It made Dina gasp and she clung to Ellie the way she'd clung to Riley the other day. Ellie held on as hard and Dina wondered how long Ellie had been starved for physical affection.

"I've thought about this a lot," Ellie murmured into Dina's neck. "I was scared you'd run."

"I nearly did," Dina replied. _I still might_.

Ellie lifted her head and brushed a stray hair behind Dina's ear. "I'm glad you didn't."

Distantly Dina could make out the sound of the approaching shelling, gun shots and men shouting but it was quiet compared to the sound of her thudding heartbeat.

"Promise me something?" Dina asked.

"Yeah?"

"Promise me you won't die."

Ellie's expression softened, took on a melancholic appearance. Dina knew what that meant but didn't want to hear the answer so she pushed forward seeking Ellie's lips. They were closed but opened eagerly, warm and wet. Dina trembled, felt weak in the knees as her body ached more than it ever had in response to another person. She wanted to lay down and pulled Ellie with her to the cot. It was small for one person, two was bordering on uncomfortable but Dina couldn't find the energy to care when the weight of Ellie's body fell on her. It was consuming and the animal inside of her thrived at the closeness.

Ellie kissed her desperately, held her face still with strong determined hands like she was afraid Dina would pull away. Dina enjoyed the powerlessness she felt under Ellie's body, she was weak and taken.

The sound of two people panting and lips on skin was audible to Dina's ears, the sound of Ellie's whimpers, it made Dina squeeze her tightly, finding the grooves of her spine and increasing the pressure with her hands. Dina thought about longing looks, about haircuts and showers and weeks of wanting without knowing. 

"How long has it been since somebody touched you?" Dina panted.

"Too long," Was Ellie's breathy response, and while it didn't answer Dina's question, it answered enough. Her hips pushed down into Dina and Dina moaned.

The brass belt buckle Ellie wore was pressing uncomfortably into Dina's skin and she reached down to undo it. Her hands fumbled, Ellie managed to still her hips so Dina could get it undone. Next were the buttons on her pants, Dina undid those too and could feel the slick wetness between her thighs in response. Only Ellie's underwear stood between them.

Dina touched Ellie's sweaty flushed face, skin hot beneath her fingertips. This was really going to happen and the fear Dina experienced snuck up on her again. She placed her hands on Ellie's shoulders, asking softly and without words for her to stop.

"Did I hurt you?" Ellie ran a thumb over Dina's eyebrow and down the side of her cheek, cupped her chin and kissed her softly. 

"No."

"Do you want to stop?"

"No." _Damn it, Dina. Speak! Stop giving her one word answers_.

"Okay," Ellie nodded. She lay down against Dina, resting her head on Dina's chest. She was being so patient.

Dina felt Ellie's chest rise with each breath, felt her stomach move as she panted. Ellie's obvious arousal made Dina senseless with desire, but there was still fear.

"I'm scared of doing this," She began, "feeling what it's like to have you as mine, and then losing you forever." She trailed her fingertips on the back of Ellie's neck, lightly moved them upwards to touch her hair softly. "I don't know if I can live with that."

Ellie contemplated that. "You're not going to lose me."

Dina tried not to cry, she didn't want to ruin this. "I've already lost you," She said. "The moment you signed those papers."

"I'm right here," Ellie gripped her hand and interlocked their fingers, trying to reassure her. "For now I'm here with you."

"Please wake me before you leave," Dina squeezed her eyes shut and tears slipped down the sides of her face. "Don't try to sneak out because you think it will hurt me less."

"I promise." Ellie kissed her again and they reached for each other like this wasn't the first time, like they'd done this before in another life.


	4. Chapter 4

Ellie's POV -

_Ellie waited outside in the cold. War was terrible, destructive, devastating. It tore families apart and killed innocent people. Yet it saved her, from a life of having to rely on other people. War answered her prayers and she'd joined the moment they started the draft. Fled her home, cut her hair, without a goodbye to her mother and father. Her only regret was not telling her younger siblings goodbye. She lived with it though, she always would._

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_There were physical standards and medical examinations to be met when Ellie first made it down to the recruitment centre. It was something she hadn't considered until she sat down in the waiting area. She remembered waiting her turn, panicking when the men in front of her each got called in._

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_"Williams," She'd leapt to attention. The man led her into a room and she sat down opposite him._

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_"What makes you want to join?" The question was hurried and bored, like he'd already asked it a hundred times before and she was certain he had. His fatigued demeanour could work in her favour._

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_Ellie swallowed, put on the deepest voice she could muster. "I wish to fight for my country, sir."_

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_He’d nodded, seemingly pleased by her answer. Most likely it was the same as every other potential recruit before her. "How old are you, boy?"_

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_Although she was nineteen at the time, as a boy she knew she appeared younger. "I've just turned eighteen."_

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_He paused, raised a brow sceptically, then sighed, "Fair enough. Are you physically fit?"_

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_"Yes, sir. I grew up on a farm, worked every day."_

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_He waved a dismissive hand, stamped a piece of paper and told her to sign. She did, right away. "Congratulations, recruit. Welcome to the army."_

__

__

_X_

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__

_Ellie was pulled out of the memory when the tent flap moved and the woman she'd been waiting for stepped out for her break. Riley, Dina had called her, and Ellie thought her beautiful. She didn't notice Ellie there immediately and jumped from fright when Ellie cleared her throat. "Sorry to scare you."_

__

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_Riley, hand on her heart, gave a weak smile. "It's okay."_

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_Ellie nodded and Riley examined her with a curious eye. Riley was judging her, determining her worthiness. Riley finished with a satisfied nod and Ellie hoped that meant she passed._

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_"You leave tomorrow, right?"_

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_"First thing."_

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_Riley paused as if considering her next words, then spoke them anyway. "It's going to kill her."_

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_Ellie hated knowing she would cause Dina any kind of harm. "That's not what I wanted. You have to know that."_

__

__

_"Why did you sign the papers?"_

__

__

_"She told you?"_

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_Riley walked back to the women's tents, Ellie took her silent invitation to follow and fell into step with her._

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__

_"She tells me everything, she's my best friend."_

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__

_"I'd like the chance to explain to her. Would you show me to her tent?"_

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_Riley didn't stop or turn, she thought it over. She was obviously protective of Dina. So was Ellie._

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__

_"I'll show you," she said. "But don't make this worse. Don't hurt her."_

__

__

_"I would never-" but Riley gave her a look that said stop and you already have. Ellie felt tremendous sadness. How was she still the bad guy? It seemed not to matter what she did, she caused hurt wherever she went. "I'm glad she's got a friend like you," Ellie settled on._

__

__

_They stopped in front of a nondescript canvas tent that matched all of the others in its row. "This is hers."_

__

__

_Ellie swallowed and nodded her thanks Riley's way._

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__

_"Don't break her heart."_

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__

_She walked away. Ellie took a deep breath and rapped her knuckles against the side of the tent. "Dina?"_

__

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_X_

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__

_Ellie had grown up running the farm with her parents. The work was tiring and endless. As the oldest, she didn’t receive any schooling during lunch breaks from her mother as her younger siblings did, they needed her for labour and that was how she spent the majority of her youth. On Saturdays, her parents would let her go next door to play with their daughter of the same age._

__

__

_Clara. Clara was the first girl Ellie fell in love with and perhaps she was lucky Clara felt the same. At fifteen years old they'd snuck away behind the barn and Clara had pulled Ellie close to kiss her for the first time. Ellie remembered how she'd felt in that moment, skin aflame, body trembling._

__

__

_"Will you let me kiss you again, sometime?" she'd asked, cheeks pink, eyes dancing._

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_Ellie nodded dumbly and Clara had laughed. Ellie laughed, too. Clara had left her with another quick kiss on the cheek, and then disappeared around the side of the barn out of sight._

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__

_They first slept together at eighteen. Having no place to be alone, they'd crept out in the night to meet up in a paddock. It wasn't romantic and it had been awkward in the dark but Ellie was more in love with her than ever._

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_They crossed paths at church. Clara flushed bright red and gave Ellie a secretive smile as she followed her parents down the aisle to their pew. Ellie returned the smile, certain her cheeks were just as crimson._

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_It ended when Clara turned 19, they'd celebrated her birthday together and Clara had whisked Ellie up to her bedroom when their families’ downstairs were distracted._

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__

_"Woah, what's the hurry?" she'd laughed._

__

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_Clara didn't look amused though, her blue eyes could not meet Ellie's. "I'm engaged," she'd said. Ellie had never known heart break until that moment, as if the world had completely turned on its head and the weight of the sky itself crushed her._

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__

_"That's not funny."_

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_"It's not meant to be funny, Ellie." Crying now, "I don't know when I'm leaving…"_

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_"You're not leaving!" Ellie reached for her hands and pulled her close. "I won't let you, you can't."_

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_"I want to stay here with you."_

__

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_"We can run away," Ellie suggested, "Right now! We can pack and-"_

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_The look Clara gave meant Ellie already had her answer. They weren't running away._

__

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_"We can't, Ellie. We knew this would happen. We knew we could never really be in this world. Not us, not two women. And my parents say he's nice, he'll take good care of me."_

__

__

_Betrayed and lost, she held onto Clara's hands. Clara pulled back. Ellie was unaccustomed to having her affections denied and stepped away from her altogether. Her heart came to a conclusion and Ellie spat the words before she'd thought them through. "You want to go. You want to be with him, don't you?"_

__

__

_Clara looked as if Ellie had trampled her heart, right there in the middle of the bedroom floor. "Ellie?"_

__

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_But Ellie didn't want to listen. She'd heard enough, she tucked her head low to avoid an explanation to her own parents or Clara's who were still downstairs, and quickly exited the house. She'd run outside far into the paddocks ignoring Clara calling her name somewhere in the distance._

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_That was the last time she saw her. Ellie regretted it every day, wished she'd stayed, and it killed her to think Clara had run after her and she had ignored her cries. It turned out Clara's husband was not a patient man and he'd picked her up before sunrise the next morning._

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_X_

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_"I'm engaged," she'd said to Dina within the tent. That conversation from so long ago with Clara now repeating itself with Ellie on the other side. She knew how it felt. Dina's face slackened into a blank expression._

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_"Engaged?"_

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_It was time to tell Dina the truth about herself, about her mysterious past. If she ever wanted Dina to play some kind of significant role in her life, she at least owed her that, didn't she? Of course whatever this was between them was not made to last. Ellie was leaving, she reminded herself._

__

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_"I was in love with another," she offered. To this day, mentioning Clara and the way they'd parted still hurt. "But they were married off, too. I didn't even get to say goodbye."_

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_"I'm sorry," Dina whispered._

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_"Sometimes," Dina's eyes were so dark, the shadows flickered and framed her face. Ellie had never wanted to kiss her more. "Sometimes, you look at me the way she used to."_

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_As certain as she felt about their connection, Ellie's heart still pounded when she revealed the female pronoun. There was a terror embedded in people like her, always hiding and hoping not to get caught. The doubt rose up in her belly, maybe she'd been wrong about this whole thing. Maybe Dina didn't feel anything, maybe Dina would turn on her, disgusted at being around a freak of nature. Ellie waited with bated breath._

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_"She?" Curious? Hopeful?_

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_Ellie rose from the cot, she stepped towards Dina's own and asked to sit beside her. It was bold but Ellie knew Dina would not approach on her own._

__

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_They talked some more, Ellie made a joke then turned the conversation serious. Dina's closeness had her on fire, she hadn't felt this way since the first time Clara kissed her behind the barn all those years ago. Sweat clung to the palms of her hands and she wiped them subtly on her thighs._

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_Too quickly, though, Dina was moving away, she pulled back and stood up to adjust the lantern. Ellie understood the nervous habit, got a thrill that she was the one to make Dina nervous._

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_"Do you want me to leave?" Ellie would be angry with herself if she'd been pressuring Dina, inviting herself into her tent. She would go if it was what Dina wanted and she would not question her decision._

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_When Dina answered in the affirmative, Ellie felt winded. "I'll be gone by early morning, I hope I see you again one day."_

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_Soon, and Ellie was unsure of how, they were arguing. Their voices rising above the silence of outside and the air around them was thick, tangible in the darkness. There was too much there and not enough, and their words were coming out but they weren't really speaking. Not acknowledging what was going on._

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_Dina was close to her, she gripped the lapels of Ellie's jacket and her eyes fell to Ellie's lips. "Show me your bandages."_

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_Ellie dropped her shoulders in disappointment, all she'd ever be to Dina was a patient. Why couldn't Dina understand she was okay now. "My arm is fine. I promise."_

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_And then Dina said those words, that could not be misinterpreted or explained away. Dina told Ellie what she wanted. Ellie's breath caught, like Dina had been the one to reach in and take it directly from her lungs._

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_"Not those bandages…"_

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X

Dina's POV-

Ellie held Dina's hand between their bodies. "Ellie, umm…"

"Hmm?"

Dina's cheeks were fiery. "I've never…"

Ellie looked at her affectionately. "Do you want me to- to… you first?" Ellie's hand moved the small distance to the band of Dina's underwear, and moving lower again, cupped Dina fully. Dina gasped and arched against the pressure. Trembled. Ellie, encouraged by Dina's response, moved her thumb there gently. A whine, a louder more desperate sound when Ellie again moved her thumb there.

"Here?" Ellie asked, moving her thumb again, so soft, so gentle.

"_Oh,_" Dina gasped. "_Ohh,_" when Ellie did it again.

Ellie leaned down, pressed her lips to Dina's. She cupped Dina's chin with her free hand, caught her breath, and sighed when Dina tilted her head and kissed her back. Dina would always kiss her back. Ellie's hot breath against her face, breathing the same air. Dina parted her lips, felt the lightest, accidental brush of Ellie's tongue against her mouth. It made her whimper. Ellie gasped at the noise and moved her hand to cup the back of Dina's neck, to bring her closer, trailing from her neck down her chest.

Ellie kissed her again affectionately and stroked Dina's nipple. Dina arched and Ellie kept going, kissing, caressing, touching Dina's skin. Ellie was all soft skin, smooth and hot to the touch, sticky with sweat. The way Ellie was so obviously aroused made Dina more desperate. A sound from Ellie's parted lips, a whine, and Dina was ready to cry out. _Please touch me already_. As if hearing her plea, the hand Ellie had between their bodies pushed aside Dina's underwear. Dina felt her touch there immediately. Lower down where Dina could feel the slick heat. If she weren't so aroused, she may have been embarrassed by how ready she was, instead she spread her legs to let Ellie in. Ellie rubbed at her lips there softly, so softly and slowly Dina whimpered, pressing her hips forward to gain friction.

"Wow," Ellie whispered in awe.

"Please," Dina sighed. It was torture, her entire body scorching, Ellie stoking the fire. Ellie kept stroking there lightly, coating her fingers. Dina's hips had a mind of their own, grinding up towards her, begging.

"Is this okay?" Ellie asked, as if Dina's body language weren't screaming it was more than okay.

Dina didn't give any form of coherent reply, her hand pushed between the two of them to where Ellie's teasing was driving her crazy. She gripped Ellie's knuckles and felt herself, the slick wetness coating them. She marvelled at it before asking Ellie again. "Please."

"Okay," Ellie panted and so slowly, and gently, pushed.

Dina's body gave willingly beneath the pressure; Ellie was inside of her. Ellie held still and it felt like Dina had never experienced anything inside here before. Her body tightened around Ellie's fingers. "Oh, ohh, G-God." Ellie withdrew, out and again slowly back in.

"Dina, God, you feel-" Ellie didn't finish her sentence, instead she sucked on the nipple closest to her that rose and fell with Dina's gasping breaths. Dina squeaked and arched her back up again seeking the hot wet feeling. Ellie obliged more than willingly.

Ellie went torturously slow, stroking inside of her. Dina's hand that gripped Ellie's let go and moved upward, touched the part of her body now aching for attention. Her hips rocked on Ellie's hand and when she touched herself it took only a moment before she-

Dina shuddered and gasped, clenched around Ellie's fingers again and again.

"Ellie!"

Ellie released a warm, quiet laugh. "Shh, we don't want anyone to find us."

Dina blushed at the desperate sounds she'd been making now that the immediate need had dissipated. Ellie kissed her cheek and withdrew her fingers. It sent another thrill of pleasure up Dina's spine and she moaned again involuntarily. Ellie raised her eyebrows, "Again?" she asked.

Dina swelled with need at the thought Ellie might touch her again. Looked away from Ellie's penetrating stare.

"Shy?" Ellie tickled her thigh, moved so close. "There's something I want to do..."

Dina examined the pink flush of Ellie's throat, the way it bloomed under her skin, filling from her cheeks all the way to her ears.

"Do I have your permission?"

"Yes," Dina would not hesitate, whatever it was had made Ellie shy and Dina wanted to feel her again.

Ellie smiled and sat up, she wriggled herself lower down and placed herself between Dina's open thighs. Dina was in awe of Ellie's body, it was gorgeous, scars and all, and in this moment there was no war, no blood, no death. It was the two of them, in a world of their own making. Ellie startled Dina by leaning down to place a chaste kiss next to her belly button, her eyes widened in surprise and she had the desire to close her legs. She pulled them in a little more as Ellie leaned in for another kiss slightly lower than the first one.

"Ellie, what are you-?" When Ellie kissed the top of her pubic hair, hot breath so close to the pulsing between her legs, she sat up quickly. "Ellie! You can't-"

Ellie stopped. "I want to kiss you-" she said, with the lightest touch to Dina's mound. "Here."

Dina moaned, shivered. "It's not p-proper," she tried to argue, because they couldn't do _that_.

"I want to make love to you," she said, honest, unabashed. "And I don't care about being proper."

Dina let out a small sound, almost a whimper, not quite a moan. She was convinced. "O-okay."

Ellie grinned, pushed Dina's thighs apart. A gasp from Dina, her eyes rolled as she fell back against the cot.

X

"Dina?"

Her name, distant and far away. It became more insistent.

"Dina, wake up."

She was so comfortable but the voice insisted, and she rolled over to see Ellie standing fully dressed back in her uniform, rifle and duffel bag at her side as she had stood in the doorway under the silver moonlight the night before. It all came back and Dina was wide awake in an instant.

"I promised I'd wake you," she said, knelt down before Dina in the bed, and leaned in for a chaste kiss that both made Dina's heart ache and pound. When Ellie tried to pull away, Dina wrapped a hand around the back of her neck and pulled her in for another kiss.

"Don't go."

Ellie offered a sad smile, said nothing. They had already discussed this, it was going to happen regardless how much Dina insisted it didn't, and Ellie didn't want their last moments to be heated over something that could not change.

Outside, The Sergeant was rounding up and addressing the soldiers. Her grip tightened on Ellie's collar and she pulled her in tight again.

Ellie returned the hug with equal force. "I have to go."

"Take me with you." Of course it wasn't possible and logically she knew that but a part of her clung to the idea maybe somehow Ellie could say yes.

"You know I can't," Ellie whispered. "And even if I could, there's no way I'd risk you getting hurt."

"What will I do without you?" Ellie had become so much a part of her life in the short amount of time they'd known each other that she couldn't imagine what life she would be returning to.

Ellie reached for her hand. "You'll help the sick and injured, like you always have. Like you helped me."

"We could run away," Dina said. "I can pack my stuff; we'd be gone in the next hour."

Ellie shook her head sadly. "They'd find us. And this place needs you."

The Sergeant's voice outside grew loud and irritable. "Williams! Get your ass out here or I'm sending someone to drag you by the ankles."

"I think that's my cue."

Ellie dropped her forehead to Dina's, lifted the chain of her dog tags from around her neck and placed them on Dina. “To remember me,” she said. As if Dina could ever forget. Dina clutched the tags in her hand, knuckles turning white. Ellie stood, stretched, picked up her rifle and bag and turned to look at Dina one last time where she stood in the entrance. "I don't want to say goodbye."

"Then don't." Dina's eyes blurred with unshed tears.

She was gone, the flap of the tent's movement the only thing to indicate she had ever been there in the first place. Dina's heart grew desperate and she leapt from the bed, pulling on her night gown and exiting the tent as quickly, in time to see Ellie trudging to meet the other soldiers. They lined up in two’s. Ellie joined the ranks and was so small compared to the rest of them, it broke her heart. The Sergeant reprimanded Ellie for being late. He gave the command for them to march and like clockwork they fell into step with each other. It was an impressive sight, even if it killed Dina to watch. Ellie didn't turn back around, and Dina didn't run to her for one last kiss; instead she watched until Ellie was long out of sight then broke down in tears on the dirt floor of her tent, clutching the tags of an Elliot Williams. 

X

At some point she mindlessly got dressed for the day ahead. Tess entered the tent shortly after, exhausted from the night shift.

"Morning," she greeted.

Dina mumbled a reply, too numb to deliver a proper response.

"You alright?" she asked, and all Dina could think was _please don't ask me that_, she wasn't sure she could keep it together if someone showed genuine sympathy.

"Fine."

"Enjoy your day."

"I will, enjoy your rest." And Dina meant it, rest was something she would no longer get a lot of.

X

The enemy advanced and the feel of the camp was one of great unease, they all sensed the coming loss. When Dina arrived for her shift there was no time to waste with the incoming wounded, many of them died and Dina found herself desperately trying not to think of Ellie headed right back to where these men had come from. It didn't work. It plagued her.

How did women deal with their husbands being at war? If they felt one tenth of the pain and worry Dina did, maybe they were the bravest people of all. To miss someone so wholeheartedly and know they may never return, to live a full life with the unresolved question of what happened to the person they loved most. It made Dina sick, the thought of never seeing Ellie again.

The soldiers howled beneath her bloody fingertips, they screamed and cussed, and she did not stop, no matter how they begged. She followed the doctor's orders and they amputated many limbs that day. Some soldiers had frost bite from the harsh weather and they too had to have fingers, toes, and feet removed to keep the rest of them alive.

When Dina finished her shift, she went straight to the showers, memories of Ellie's wet body beneath the stream flooded her imagination as she stepped under the water. It was cool, not hot, but warm enough for her to get decently clean, to scrub the blood from her body. Though Dina tried not to, she caught glimpses of the other nude women around her, where it used to mean nothing, it now sent a little shock of realisation through her body. There was definitely an attraction there and maybe Ellie had awoken something in her she had tried to suppress. She was unsure, but with a gulp, she looked away. It wasn't fair to look at someone like that without their permission.

When she was clean she went for dinner, sat down at the folding table and lay her head next to her bowl. She looked at the side of it, not thinking anything and not feeling hungry enough to eat it.

"There you are," Riley joined her at the table. They always tried to have dinner together, despite their occasionally mismatched schedules.

Dina sat up with a tired, forced grin, "Hey."

Riley's eyes danced rapidly across her face, concerned for Dina's well-being. "How are you?"

Dina shrugged. "I'm okay."

Riley sighed but did not push. "Did she speak with you last night?" Dina blushed remembering Riley had been the one to tell Ellie the location of her tent. Riley grinned, "I'll take that as a yes."

"Yeah," Dina mumbled.

Riley tried to keep the conversation light-hearted. "You know I want the details."

Dina felt an overwhelming sense of love for her, Riley didn't care that Ellie was a woman?

"You don't care? That she's a-"

"No," she answered simply.

"Why?"

"Because I love you, and I want you to be happy. This place is miserable enough, I would never want to ruin that for you." Dina's eyes welled with tears and Riley pushed her shoulder affectionately, "C'mon, don't cry."

"No promises."

They ate together and went back to Dina's tent for the evening. Riley laid on Tess's empty bed. Dina stretched out on her own.

"Tired?" Riley asked.

"Mhm," Dina mumbled, eyes comfortably resting closed.

"I wasn't kidding when I said I wanted the details."

Dina sat up, "You really want to know?"

"I told you I have to get my thrills somehow, didn't I?"

"You are so weird," Dina laughed.

"C'mon," she insisted. "Was it good?"

"Riley!" Dina picked up the pillow from behind her head and threw it at Riley. Riley caught it with a burst of laughter. After this morning, Dina wasn't sure she would ever laugh again. Riley didn't know how important she was and how her easy understanding was more than Dina could have ever hoped for.

"It was-" no words seemed to be enough. She settled on, "I don't know."

"In a good or bad kind of way?"

"Both?" Dina's mind rushed through the images of last night. "It was desperate and there was this connection. But it was sad, too. Like I was losing her at the same time I was doing everything I could to keep her close to me. Like she was slipping from my fingers, though I held her so tightly."

"I'm sorry," Riley said.

"I'll never see her again. She'll die out there."

"You don't know that."

"I wish I didn't waste so much time."

"Dina," Riley said, "You can't think that way."

_But I am_.

"Do you know why she lied to get into the army?" Dina said.

"Why?"

"Because her parents were forcing her to get married."

"Wow," Riley hummed.

"Yeah."

"She didn't like him?"

"Even if she did, I don't think it would matter. There's- there's something about her, about _us_," Dina conceded, "that's different from everyone else."

"That you're attracted to women?"

"Yeah," Dina said quietly still feeling a little scared of the realisation and still aware it would not be tolerated if anyone else knew about it.

Riley laughed unexpectedly. "Do you think I'm cute?" She sat up and grinned sweetly.

"If I had another pillow, I'd throw it at you."

X

It had been a month since Ellie left. A month of wishing, wanting, praying, for a woman she only knew a short amount of time, to be okay. To return to her. Dina sent letters, one every couple of days, and maybe that was desperate and clingy and too much, but she didn't care. Each one she sent, she worried would get lost on the way there and she'd find herself frantically writing another. Her words were hurried and messy but important all the same. The letters were not returned though, not once did she receive a reply.

Now Dina found herself doing just that, writing hurriedly in her tent. About her day, about how dearly she missed her. That was usually the central focus to her letters. Riley entered and sat quietly beside her on the bed. This was not the first time Riley had stumbled upon her like this. It made Riley sad, but she could do nothing to change that. She _was_ sad.

"Are you writing to tell her about the great shit explosion?" Riley laughed quietly. What a day that had been. Dina shuddered and Riley laughed again at her expense.

"No, I'm just-"

"Telling her you miss her?" she said softly. And the tenderness in her voice was what did it.

Dina's eyes welled up. "These letters are all I have," she cried, "Her name on the p-paper is real, Riley. If I keep writing… then she's with me. She's here with me…"

"I know, I know," Riley hummed sweetly. "Please don't cry, please don't."

It had been a while since Dina had cried in front of Riley, she tended to keep it to herself at night nowadays to not upset her. It wasn't fair of Dina to emotionally burden her like that. She was certain Tess heard her in the night, though. Come morning she never mentioned a word, but Dina recognised a worried crease to her brow that had not been there before.

"Does she even get these? Does she not care?"

"Of course she cares, you know that."

"I don't! I don't know that!" Dina gasped. Breathing was difficult and Riley rubbed her back firmly. "I don't know anything anymore! Nothing but blood and death and _suffering_, day after day after day." Dina clutched the letter in her hands, her only remaining connection to Ellie. The urge to write overwhelmed her and she gripped the pencil tightly, wrote furiously.

"Hey, hey, hey," Riley called. Her palm enclosed Dina's writing one and gently encouraged her to drop the pencil. "What can I do to make this okay?" This time, Riley was the one to cry. She held Dina's hand tightly within her own and stroked Dina's knuckles with such tender understanding it broke Dina's heart all over again. "Let me help you. Please, Dina. I'll do anything."

"There's nothing," she said. Nothing could make this frantic, panicked energy go away. "Will I always feel like this?" She asked Riley the question, but not really. She was talking to herself, or maybe to no one at all. Time was supposed to make pain fade, that's what they said, after all. And yet as each day passed, Dina's longing only grew, hurt more. Dina was certain she had found and lost her soul mate and would never be the same again.

"Time will make it easier,” Riley said.

But she was wrong, Dina was certain of that if nothing else.

Riley was the kind to never know when to stop talking, and sometimes it was good and sometimes not so much. Most people wouldn't ask questions with the state Dina was in, but Riley wasn't most people and maybe that was what Dina needed. To talk. And to have someone listen in return. "If you could go back… Change the past, would you rather have never met her?"

Dina paused to think. Her heart leapt wildly against her rib cage, a knee jerk response to shout No! But that was because her heart knew what it was missing now, before she was none the wiser. She wouldn't trade it though, not knowing Ellie was like missing her without knowing, feeling empty and aimless. Somehow this pain was worth everything she had experienced with Ellie. Even if she felt like she was dying. "No…"

Riley still held her hand, squeezed it reassuringly. "Why? If it could make all this go away, then why?"

"Because… I love her more than this hurts me."

"What if she's gone?"

It was the question Dina had been avoiding asking herself, yet it danced around her subconscious. Finally, it had found a voice and confronted Dina. That was Riley, always making Dina deal with her emotions when she was intent on suppressing them. "D-do you think she is?" The tremble and tiny inflection making her sound like a scared child.

Riley sighed, picked up the pencil Dina had dropped. "I don't know."

"I need to know, Riley. It's killing me."

X

There had been talk of an important meeting, everyone whispering about it. The wind carried their voices, a restless apprehension that consumed the camp. Was the war lost? Were they to be taken captive? The absurdity of the rumours only grew and they all hoped the meeting would clear things up.

Dina and Riley approached the mess tent, the sound of a packed room and voices speaking over each other rose from the entrance. There was one thing audible above it all. Fear. Everyone was worried what this meant. They had not yet had a formalised meeting amongst the staff since they first began operations here. Something serious was bound to happen.

Dina gave Riley a look and they entered the tent side by side. Dina caught glimpses of conversation, rushed snippets of frightened words as they made their way through the crowd of people.

_"-Supplies cut off-"_

__

__

_"They're targeting the hospital-"_

__

__

_"-Surrounded, they'll kill us all."_

__

__

Dina tensed, told herself not to believe their whispered words. It did not stop the fear that seized her bones. Thank goodness she had Riley, a rock to lean on. They took a seat at one of the portable tables, Tess sitting to Dina's right, gave a weary nod of acknowledgement.

A few more minutes of chaotic voices clattering over each other before the room dropped into silence. A soldier had stepped into the centre of the room; he was tall, broad-shouldered and traditionally good looking. Behind his eyes a tiredness lingered, exhausted and weary.

"I'm sure you're all wondering why we've gathered you here today. My name's Jesse and I'm Staff Sergeant of the first infantry. I want to thank you for attending and to put your minds at ease as I've heard the rumours going around."

He paced a couple steps. "I'm going to get right to the point: as you know, we have medics on the front lines. Brave men who work tirelessly to patch up and bring the wounded to _you_ important people. Without them, our men would be dying at much higher rates." He paused, his expression darkened. "Tragically, in the last three weeks, we've lost six of those medics."

A collective gasp echoed throughout the room, everyone, Dina included, was beginning to understand why they'd been gathered here. He went on, "Good men who went above and beyond the call of duty to help out a fallen comrade. May they rest in peace. We've been trying to patch the men up ourselves, but we don't have the training or expertise of you lot. They're dying out there and we're powerless to stop it. We need help, that's what I'm here to ask you for today. Men or women, we need volunteer medical staff on the front lines."

He met the sea of blank faces before him. "I know it's not fair to ask this of you all. You're not trained, you're not prepared and you're risking everything. But these are our men, this is our fight and they need us now more so than ever. I will not force anyone to go, we need a dedicated team to head out there and no one will be pressured. This is purely volunteer and those of you who agree will be rewarded. I ask you to please think this through, and step forward if you are willing. We need a team assembled by nightfall."

Throughout his speech, Dina's heart had been pounding. It thumped loud and demanded she listen to it. Riley worried a lip between her teeth, Tess's expression was stern and unwavering. Dina stood up, stepped forward without thinking and heard a few gasps behind her, perhaps surprised at her stupidity. She didn't care.

"I'll go."

The man gave her a respectful nod, a kind smile in the corner of his lips. Dina returned the smile and he looked to the rest of them patiently.

"Me too," Riley stepped forward. _What are you doing, Riley! Don't you know we could die!_ Dina couldn't stop her though, Riley was stubborn. The man nodded gratefully to Riley and she sat back down. Two doctors stood up grimly and nodded. There was a tense silence where everyone looked around the room at each other, waiting to see who would volunteer next.

Two more nurses Dina recognised in passing stood up too and the officer cleared his throat. "Thank you," he said. "I know how unfair it is to ask this of you all, and you are so important. Please, those of you heading out tonight, I ask that you pack your things, just the necessities, and be out waiting by the carriage at six. That's all."

The room erupted into commotion as he walked out. Tears, nurses hugging each other desperately, the doctors shaking hands with the rest of their respective teams. Riley and Dina were encompassed with hugs and well wishes of luck, they mumbled their thanks and numbly accepted the hugs from their co-workers who had since become like family.

When they were outside, Dina pulled Riley by the shoulder. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going with you."

"Riley, you can't," Dina said desperately. "It's too dangerous."

"I don't care."

"I do!" Dina raised her voice. "I don't want something to happen to you because of me."

"What kind of friend would I be if I let you do this alone? If the tables were reversed would you let me go by myself?" She had a point there, it didn't matter the circumstances, Dina would follow Riley no matter what. Whether to keep her safe or to keep her company.

"No," Dina sighed dejectedly.

Riley was courteous enough to not be smug. "C'mon," she said, having proved her point. "We've got to pack."

X

Dina stood in front of her tent. Tried to commit the slope of the canvas to memory, the colour and texture. It was exactly like all of the other tents in its row but Dina knew this one as her own. She wasn't sure if she would miss it, if she would ever return to see it, so it was important to take in these tiny details. A lot of special memories happened here.

When she entered, Tess sat quietly on Dina's cot, it surprised Dina. Tess stood up.

"Guess you'll be needing a new roommate," Dina said.

Tess gave a grim smile. "I will keep this bed free for you, for when you return."

Dina smiled back, there was a tangible weight in the air of things left unsaid. "Thank you. I appreciate it."

"It is a brave thing you're doing."

If only Dina deserved the compliment, the brave were the ones fighting, not Dina seeking out a woman who may or may not be dead. Her reasons were less than honourable.

"I don't feel brave," she mumbled. _Terrified more like it_.

"You and Riley must look out for each other out there, no matter what."

This was beginning to feel like motherly advice and Dina didn't want to cry right now. Her eyes watered regardless. "Of course. I won't let anything happen to her."

"Be safe," she patted Dina's shoulder. "I'll leave you to pack."

"Thank you." She left the tent and Dina's mind raced. What had she gotten herself into?

When Dina first arrived on post here she didn't have much, a backpack with some small family trinkets, a couple books, notepad, pen, and paper. Now she tipped everything out, it couldn't all come with her. She packed her toothbrush and a couple bars of soap, she hoped beyond hope they'd make some kind of accommodation for her to bathe, unlike the soldiers. If they didn't, she figured a bar of soap and cup of water would have to do. She packed a small face towel and paused when she came across the picture of her family, what would they think of her now? In love with a woman, trudging off into battle with no regard for herself in hopes she might find said woman. They wouldn't approve. But what did it matter? They would never have to know. Dina packed her notepad and pen, she had been sending her parents letters, updating them on her life so far and decided she would continue, it was a cathartic release.

A rap against the canvas startled Dina from her thoughts, she pulled back the flap to see the Staff Sergeant standing before her. Was it time to go already? Her heart leapt and she did everything to catch her breath.

"Sorry to disturb you, Miss."

"It's fine," she said.

"I've brought you some more appropriate clothing for out there. These dresses won't do you any good amongst the cold and mud." He handed her a bundle of clothes and Dina accepted them gratefully. He must have noticed how her hands shook, how tightly she clutched the material, for he said, "I appreciate everything you're doing, Miss."

"Thank you," she whispered.

He tipped his hat, "I'll leave you to it."

The material was stiff, identical to the soldiers' uniforms. Except on the top of each arm, a red cross was stitched to indicate she was a medic. Dina numbly got dressed, the clothes were a size too big but she rolled the hems and it fit okay in the end. She would miss her old uniform, her old uniform was safe, this new one indicated a new dangerous chapter.

She finished packing, there wasn't much time.

X

Dina was first to arrive, she stood next to the carriage and approached the two horses at the front. The carriage was one that usually carried in the wounded, a large red cross over the side indicated its purpose. Dina was used to receiving the wounded from these daily, she was surprised to feel herself on the other end, to be the one boarding.

The horses, two brown mares, huffed their annoyance at having to stand around unable to eat any grass with the bit in their mouths. Dina stroked the neck of the one closest to her, and down the side of its shoulder, it leaned into her touch bringing a smile to Dina's face. Why hadn't she tried patting them before? The horse loved the attention and soon enough Riley joined her, dressed in her own medic uniform and patting the other horse with a smile.

"I think they like us," she said.

"What's not to like?"

"Good point," Riley agreed. "So…" she hesitated. "This is a big thing huh?"

"Yeah…" Dina responded.

"I'm scared."

"Me too."

Seeing Riley in her uniform made this real. How did Ellie march so effortlessly back to the trenches? Maybe Dina would ask if she ever saw her again.

"You can still turn back," Dina said.

Riley answered without looking up. "So can you."

But she wouldn't and Riley knew that.

"You're doing this for her?"

"I know it's stupid... Reckless. But I need to see her again, I need to know if she's still-" Dina stopped.

Riley's voice dropped, quiet and forlorn. "It's not stupid. I hope someone loves me that much one day."

Dina moved away from her horse which gave another disgruntled huff and around to Riley wrapping her in a tight hug. "_I_ love you."


End file.
